Comments on: Ice and tears http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/ A "good enough" mom muses about alpha moms, adoption, computers, the State Of The World, Internet quirkiness, and the Kosmik All Fri, 25 May 2012 13:48:24 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: JoAnn in NJ http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-149272 JoAnn in NJ Sun, 19 Sep 2010 02:13:12 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-149272 Kate, I am so sorry I haven't read your blog in a few weeks and didn't see this post until now. Of course you are still grieving...it takes most people about a year to come to terms with the fact that their loved one isn't living. Especially a woman's Mom...this is such a primal relationship. You know I am three weeks in on my own Mom's passing, but we have been grieving her loss from our lives for about 10 months now. She stopped becoming the woman she was in Nov/Dec last year and every week brought fresh pain and every single day we woke up worried. When she was in rehab, I used to make the hour plus drive once a week, spend an hour babbling about everything under the sun and then drive my hour plus back, brimming with anger and pain. When she finally went into hospice, I continued doing exactly the same thing, but didn't babble to her anymore because it wasn't being heard...and if she did speak it made zero sense or was a little frightening...the child in me silently cried to my Mom to end all of our pain...the last year has been agonizing for everyone. My Mom was gone...her brain had betrayed her and everything that she was, was gone except her body. And we had to watch this happen over the last 18 months...how she was robbed of everything she enjoyed until all she could do was sleep. And yet I prayed for something to happen to release us from this pain, but my heart really hoped for a miracle that she would come at least partway back to us. So now that she's gone my husband asked me the first week I didn't have to make that drive how it felt and I answered "awful." The 2nd weekend was last weekend and I spent that doing a lot of cleaning and an event for Kelsey. This is now the 3rd weekend and those long drives and chunks of my life spent in nursing homes and hospitals already feel a million miles away. I miss my Mom very much, and this week as Kelsey began her first day in Kindergarten I cried because I couldn't tell my Mom all about the day. My advice to you if you feel uncomfortable with a grief counselor is to find a good friend who has lost their Mom and talk about the pain....have a good cathartic cry over it and then do what your Mom would want...go on and honor her memory by living a full and happy life with your family. If that doesn't work, then find a therapist or a support group and get your joy back...your family deserves it and so do you! Love and hugs, JoAnn Kate,
I am so sorry I haven’t read your blog in a few weeks and didn’t see this post until now. Of course you are still grieving…it takes most people about a year to come to terms with the fact that their loved one isn’t living. Especially a woman’s Mom…this is such a primal relationship.

You know I am three weeks in on my own Mom’s passing, but we have been grieving her loss from our lives for about 10 months now. She stopped becoming the woman she was in Nov/Dec last year and every week brought fresh pain and every single day we woke up worried.

When she was in rehab, I used to make the hour plus drive once a week, spend an hour babbling about everything under the sun and then drive my hour plus back, brimming with anger and pain.

When she finally went into hospice, I continued doing exactly the same thing, but didn’t babble to her anymore because it wasn’t being heard…and if she did speak it made zero sense or was a little frightening…the child in me silently cried to my Mom to end all of our pain…the last year has been agonizing for everyone.

My Mom was gone…her brain had betrayed her and everything that she was, was gone except her body. And we had to watch this happen over the last 18 months…how she was robbed of everything she enjoyed until all she could do was sleep. And yet I prayed for something to happen to release us from this pain, but my heart really hoped for a miracle that she would come at least partway back to us.

So now that she’s gone my husband asked me the first week I didn’t have to make that drive how it felt and I answered “awful.” The 2nd weekend was last weekend and I spent that doing a lot of cleaning and an event for Kelsey.

This is now the 3rd weekend and those long drives and chunks of my life spent in nursing homes and hospitals already feel a million miles away. I miss my Mom very much, and this week as Kelsey began her first day in Kindergarten I cried because I couldn’t tell my Mom all about the day.

My advice to you if you feel uncomfortable with a grief counselor is to find a good friend who has lost their Mom and talk about the pain….have a good cathartic cry over it and then do what your Mom would want…go on and honor her memory by living a full and happy life with your family. If that doesn’t work, then find a therapist or a support group and get your joy back…your family deserves it and so do you!

Love and hugs,
JoAnn

]]> By: Jean Woodman http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146322 Jean Woodman Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:24:53 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146322 I agree with OmegaDad, a grief counselor would be a good idea. From what I've heard non-religious ones are the norm. Around here we'd could check with our town's Social Services Dept or the University.s Psychology Dept. Hospitals also have listings for both single and group counselors. Even schools have listings. I think we all can need one at one time or the other. I still can't face all the crud my son filled up the basement with, nor can his son and he's been dead now 8 years. Even without help it does get better but painfully slow. So try for help, you've a life to live and your mom wouldn't have wished you to grieve like this. She managed to make a life for herself when your dad died. I agree with OmegaDad, a grief counselor would be a good idea. From what I’ve heard non-religious ones are the norm. Around here we’d could check with our town’s Social Services Dept or the University.s Psychology Dept. Hospitals also have listings for both single and group counselors. Even schools have listings. I think we all can need one at one time or the other. I still can’t face all the crud my son filled up the basement with, nor can his son and he’s been dead now 8 years. Even without help it does get better but painfully slow. So try for help, you’ve a life to live and your mom wouldn’t have wished you to grieve like this. She managed to make a life for herself when your dad died.

]]> By: Kate http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146293 Kate Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:15:59 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146293 May I suggest a group counseling approach? I found it most helpful to sit in a room with other people who were dealing with the same situation. They were all in the same place as me and it was good to 'bond' with new people and listen to their own journey in trying to deal with these things. May I suggest a group counseling approach? I found it most helpful to sit in a room with other people who were dealing with the same situation. They were all in the same place as me and it was good to ‘bond’ with new people and listen to their own journey in trying to deal with these things.

]]> By: Lise http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146177 Lise Thu, 02 Sep 2010 04:35:11 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146177 I'm so sorry. As close as you were to your mom, you must feel like part of yourself is missing. Sending you good thoughts. I’m so sorry. As close as you were to your mom, you must feel like part of yourself is missing. Sending you good thoughts.

]]> By: Carol Anne http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146172 Carol Anne Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:58:40 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146172 Hugs to you, Kate. Glad you can use the blog as an outlet. What you're going through sounds perfectly normal, especially since you're just a few months past your mom's death. You need time to grieve and space to grieve more than anything. And to take good care of yourself. Glad to hear the elbow is on the mend! Hugs to you, Kate. Glad you can use the blog as an outlet.
What you’re going through sounds perfectly normal, especially since you’re just a few months past your mom’s death. You need time to grieve and space to grieve more than anything. And to take good care of yourself.
Glad to hear the elbow is on the mend!

]]> By: 3cmum http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146112 3cmum Wed, 01 Sep 2010 21:59:45 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146112 Sister Carrie speaks wise words of wisdom. Its hell where you are and it will take a long time, if ever, to fully get through it. Big commiserations. And an Alaskan summer and now winter certainly won't help. I did what you are doing for many months and then very, very slowly the fog lifted. Someone to talk to might have helped and if you feel up to it, do try. Where you can try to reach out as friends can be good listeners. Hugs Sister Carrie speaks wise words of wisdom.

Its hell where you are and it will take a long time, if ever, to fully get through it.

Big commiserations. And an Alaskan summer and now winter certainly won’t help.

I did what you are doing for many months and then very, very slowly the fog lifted. Someone to talk to might have helped and if you feel up to it, do try.

Where you can try to reach out as friends can be good listeners.

Hugs

]]> By: Sister Carrie http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146093 Sister Carrie Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:58:12 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146093 Aw, you poor thing. I suppose the value of a counselor would be simply to have someone to listen to you. But you can't hurry grief. There is probably some wisdom to the old cultural traditions -- keeping a household in mourning for a year, wearing widow's weeds, sitting shiva, waiting twelve months before unveiling the tombstone -- that prescribe a length of time for observing a loss. In this hurry-up world, if you're not smiling and chipper within three months, people think you're not moving on fast enough. The relationship the two of you had was special, and of course you miss her every day. Aw, you poor thing. I suppose the value of a counselor would be simply to have someone to listen to you.

But you can’t hurry grief. There is probably some wisdom to the old cultural traditions — keeping a household in mourning for a year, wearing widow’s weeds, sitting shiva, waiting twelve months before unveiling the tombstone — that prescribe a length of time for observing a loss. In this hurry-up world, if you’re not smiling and chipper within three months, people think you’re not moving on fast enough. The relationship the two of you had was special, and of course you miss her every day.

]]> By: Kirstin http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146067 Kirstin Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:05:47 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146067 Hugs. Hugs.

]]> By: del http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146063 del Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:28:44 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146063 I've always found that spending time in Nature helps when things are really tough. Hanging out with ducks at the pond or taking long walks in some natural place gives me time to work things through, sort out feelings, etc. Nature is a wonderful healer. I’ve always found that spending time in Nature helps when things are really tough. Hanging out with ducks at the pond or taking long walks in some natural place gives me time to work things through, sort out feelings, etc. Nature is a wonderful healer.

]]> By: Johnny http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146044 Johnny Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:35:06 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2010/09/01/ice-and-tears/#comment-146044 We have been to a grief counselor with the loss of our baby. Literally look them up in the yellow pages, yelp, angie's list. Best wishes, and nice to hear from you. We have been to a grief counselor with the loss of our baby. Literally look them up in the yellow pages, yelp, angie’s list. Best wishes, and nice to hear from you.

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