Thank you for sharing. It is always helpful to know that my daughter isn’t the only one who thinks about these things.

I don’t mean to impose or command you to return to your daughter’s birth country, nor that you feel “obligated” to do so.

I am simply stating that when one says something implying “maybe” or “we’ll see” that… it usually remains on the fence while the years pass, and by the time the tickets are actually booked for the cultural journey, the child is no longer a child: she’s a young adult adoptee.

I am not suggesting you drain all of your financial extras or that you simply bankrupt your mortgage in order to afford a trip. But I am suggesting that you take into consideration that the mindset “if” or “maybe” can very, very easily turn into “never”… simply because time is passing while you state “if” or “maybe.”

“In order to foster an important sense of cultural identity” <- I didn’t phrase this very well, and do not mean to imply that your daughter’s sense of identity will be based solely on a return trip. I was trying to indicate that since she is talking about her birth-mother and stating quite clearly she misses her - or maybe misses the “idea” of her - that such a trip might be worth it…

Judging by the “ahem”, I’m guessing that you feel as though you won’t have adequate expenses for such a trip.

Did you previously consider taking your daughter back on a ‘homeland’ trip when you were still in the process of adopting, or even just after finishing the process at all?

I ask this because a few years ago, I found a piece of paper in my mom’s Chinese [class] book where it had one of those questions: “Why do you want to learn Chinese?”

And her answer: “Because if my daughter ever decides to go back to her birth country, I would want her to be able to communicate.”

Note the “if” there. Not the “when.” This answer - which is similar to the way you wrote out the statement about taking your daughter back - is very generic and allows no promises to be made. That’s fine - you can’t promise a major trip without being certain of your financial limits, obviously.

But the thought? is what counts. It’s already on the fence. It’s already a “maybe if”, not “when should we.”

“That we would be taking her to China for a visit when she was 10 or 11, and maybe we’d try to take her there every few years.”

The “maybe” indicates (to me) that there is no genuine interest because the idea is still so loosely held that it could easily vanish. You could potentially talk about the future forever in terms of return trips and it might never happen, no?

In order to foster an important sense of cultural identity… wouldn’t it be a nice idea to consider the “when” instead of “if”? Of course, I was always against the idea of returning to a mother who “didn’t want me”, but your daughter has clearly stated in multiple ways that she misses her birth mother.

Wouldn’t that at least set the wheels in motion before the years pass and prevent the “maybe ” from becoming a “never” until your daughter ends up doing it as an adult - possibly on her own?