Parents and passion
posted in Parenting |I never had a “passion” for anything, or nothing that I would call a “passion”. My brother knew at about 11 or 12 that he wanted to go into biology, and he planned his life accordingly. He currently works for the Dark Service as an ecologist. A friend, two years younger than I, realized in early high school that he was really, really into theatre and special effects and lighting. Many many years later, he is a professor of lighting technology who has written “the” theatre lighting textbook. Another friend wandered from job to job for quite a while, decided to go back to college to get a degree in creative writing, and had an epiphany due to a breast-lump scare that switched her from her almost-degreed creative writing focus to pre-med, med school, and a current career as an emergency room doctor.
Me? I kind of floated. I wanted to write historical romances for quite a while, but my first year of college scared the snot out of me, so I dropped out. Also, there was this miscommunication with my parents…Then I spent years in and out of college, trying to figure out what I wanted to do, until the ongoing interaction with computers in every job I was in lured me into a career in programming and software support.
Lurking behind all of this was the fact that my parents never, ever pushed me. They never told me, “You must get a job as a doctor/scientist/journalist/what-have-you that will allow you to make lots of money/gain fame and fortune/load you with prestige.” They let me work my way through all these adult decisions, trusting that somehow, some way, I would land on my feet and be–if not famous, filthy rich, and winning the Nobel Prize–at least happy and satisfied.
Sure enough, there I am, relatively happy and satisfied with what I’m doing. Fer cryin’ out loud, I am paid to do puzzles! I get to puzzle out what’s wrong with people’s computers. I get to puzzle out how to grab just the right data from a database. I get to puzzle out how to make the computer Do What I Want It To. I get to do logic puzzles. It’s fun! I like it! And they pay me! Well, heck. How could I not be satisfied with that??
But there are lots of parents out there who don’t follow the philosophy that my parents followed. Parents who want to aim their children–like arrows–at a particular career. Parents who will do everything in their power to make their children go into that career–whether that’s what their children want to do or not.
Sometimes this works out well; I am thinking of Johnny, whose parents made him get a degree in electrical engineering, and who is now happily working his 20th year (I think?) at MegaloCorp, currently doing project management.
Other times…
Well, what brought this post on was a post on PostMimi (how many times can I use the word “post” within one sentence???). “Mimi” means “secret” in Chinese, and this is a sort of PostSecret specifically for AsianAmericans. Today there was a post that read:
This is what i was doing with my life
MUSIC/OPERA/CLASSICAL BY DAY
A course away from GRAD
WORKING AS A CHEF BY NIGHT
Working with some of the most amazing/professional people i’ve ever met.I was happy and excited at the direction it was headed
PERFORMANCE OPPORTUNITIES
A once in a life time chance to perform all over Europe
A CHANCE TO LEAD A FULL KITCHEN
A position i have been working up to.My parents wanted none of it
“You will end up teaching…failing…wasting money…”I am now forced to go back to school to Major in Sciences, something i never wanted to do. I have just given up on a happy life.
It breaks my heart. I want to shout: “STOP!! Don’t do it! Don’t let your parents rule your life! Live your passion!!!”
But I don’t know this person’s life. It’s quite possible that this person’s parents are paying for college, and refuse to pay any more unless s/he goes into sciences. It’s oh-so-easy for me, from my perspective as a (gasp!) 50-year-old looking back, with a (gasp!) 50-year-old’s self-confidence, and my personal experience of no pushing from my parents, to say “follow your dreams!” to this young college student. But when I look back, and think of my passive personality, if my parents had been like that…would I have had that courage? Would I have been able to toss my feelings of comfort in my family, my utter belief in their utter belief in me, to the winds? I don’t know.
At the same time, the thought of someone going into the sciences, or medicine, or teaching, or the humanities, or any career, against their wishes and with no spark or desire (or even an absolute dislike) for those subjects, makes me both sad for the person and sad for the others in those areas of expertise. Do you want a doctor treating you who went into medicine solely because their parents said, “This is what you will do, or we will not pay for college/disown you/never love you again”?
There is certainly plenty of room in every profession for people who don’t have a passion, that’s true. Plenty of people have gone into various fields with no great love for them, and done well. But it sounds like this young person has worked hard to start a life in a particular set of creative areas where you have to have passion, you have to have that spark, or else you won’t do well.
Anyway. I hope I remember this when the dotter is in college. I hope I never push and push her in a direction she doesn’t want to go. There are so many ways of making a living as an adult. I know that she is passionate about art; she is always drawing and painting and creating. It’s not easy to make a profitable living doing that, but it is easy to make enough. So if that’s what she wants to do as an adult, trust me, I will do my best to say, “Do it!”
On the other hand, if she wants to be a rock star, I’m going to make sure she has some type of backup plan…;-)
