23rd March 2008

Parenting is hard–episode #827,351

posted in OmegaDotter, Parenting |

One of the things that really bugs OmegaDad and me is when OmegaDotter doesn’t respond when we say something to her.

Case in point:  This afternoon, after putting up still more drapery hardware (the office needs some more drapery rings, because I thought 30 of the darned things would be enough, but, hey, more are on the way and I’ve learned my lesson for the time, ten years from now, that we do this thing again), OmegaDad and I joined the dotter on the futon to watch the last 40 minutes of Karate Kid.

Cool movie.  All sorts of Good Stuff about focusing, and working hard to reach your goals, and not using physical prowess to beat up skinny boys, and how you Shouldn’t Cheat, all with a few things slipped in about the effect the Manzanar camps had and the ease with which some folks use racial slurs to put Asians down.  I know that there are oodles of Asian Americans out there who get grumpy about Pat Morita being a token Asian whose acting was full of stereotypes, but I actually think the Karate Kid can prompt a lot of good discussion.

("Focus" being one of our latest, not really related to this post.  I think.  Hmmm.)

Anyway, the dotter was on my lap, waiting for Daniel to do the Crane Kick and beat the Bad Boys.

Daniel does the Crane Kick, the bad boys are beaten, all is well with the world…

I say to the dotter, "Okie doke, up you go!"  Happy tone of voice, all ready to jump up and get to work on other weekend projects.

And she sits there.  Not a word, not a twitch, no response.

I say again, "Dotter, off the lap, I want to get up!"  Still happy, though less so.

And she sits there.  Not a word, not a twitch, no response.

We’re talking a minute at a time.

Dudes, I wanted to get up.  And I did not want to be ignored.  I wanted my lap back, thankyewverramuch.  So I got grumpy, announced I was getting up, and dumped the dotter off to the side.

After which ensued a (loud) discussion about how it behooves people in the family to respond when other people in the family talk to them, yadda, yadda, yadda.  The dotter sitting and looking sullen, which is her modus operandi when she knows she’s in the wrong.  Then a talking-to from daddy.  Then she got angry ("I was getting up, it just was taking me a while!"–coulda fooled me, and besides, this "taking a while" can last up to five minutes and was repeated over and over this weekend) and broke the reins to her new poseable stuffed horsie.  And then it was waterworks time, complete with a "Mommy, can you fix my reins?"

Oy.

So I ended up sitting down with her, asking her how she would feel if she asked me to stop tickling her and I just kept on doing it, not saying anything, even after she asked me multiple times. 

At wits’ end about how to get her to actually think about it, I made her write sentences.  "I will answer when Mommy or Daddy asks me a question."

Oy!  I felt like a Mean Mommy.

So:  Any really good suggestions?

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There are currently 5 responses to “Parenting is hard–episode #827,351”

  1. 1 On March 24th, 2008, Omega Unk said:

    Yes, being a parent is both joyous and bloody flusterating (sic). Having tried both PC and SC, there is another effective option.

    Unk

  2. 2 On March 24th, 2008, lisa said:

    Well, going with the maybe it’s another problem approach…jb frequently doesn’t respond to me, drove me crazy for years, still does sometimes. One day he casually said, “you know, I’ve always had trouble with auditory processing.” I can’t tell you what a breakthrough this was for me, after assuming for so many years that it was deliberate. I mean, he’s a very bright man, and suddenly I remembered, oh yeah, we still all have different abilities. He literally needs to play back in his head a few times to comprehend what was said and what the desired response is. If he caught enough to play back. ~lmc

  3. 3 On March 24th, 2008, Lauri said:

    Frustrating indeed….

  4. 4 On March 24th, 2008, lizard said:

    being about 6 months behind you in kid-age, I don’t know that I have much to offer but sympathy. We have the same problem– only the breaking reins would have produced sobs of “look what you made me do” and a lecture from me on Personal Responsibility. Fun for all, I assure you.

    I tend to try different engagement when I get ignored by E or her friends. I ask them to look me in the eye or just look at me, then I say “I have asked nicely. On the count of 3 I will put you on the couch because I am done here” and then I do it. I also respond for her sometimes– or her friend, especially the one who stares at me agape when I ask anything. I say my thing, get no response, and then I say “yes, Mommy, I will get off your lap, can I have a big hug and kiss first?” and then I give her the big hug and kiss and tell her I love it when she asks for them. She, of course, did not want them– though sometimes she did and just won’t say it, they we are all happy.

    It works for everything. I ask her to put on her shoes, she does not move, I say “I want help Mommy, and big hugs and kisses” and then I go about doing it, starting with the hugs and kisses. If she doesn’t want the hugs and kisses, she had best answer on her own.

    I don’t do the hugs and kisses with her friends, though.

  5. 5 On March 24th, 2008, Julie Pippert said:

    Oh. How disappointing. I was hoping for the magic “works for all” technique in your comments, even though I know it’s a myth. Sigh. Same problem here, along with some snotty attitude that needs a wagon-fixin. I hear if you just keep plugging away someday their spouse might thank you.

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