Getting it
posted in Adoption, Blogging, OmegaMom, Philosophy |The perennial discussion about “Gotcha Day” is rearing its head once again on a China adoption site. First there’s the person who posts a link to an article about how “Gotcha Day” is offensive to some adoptees with a “something to think about” comment. Then some more folks post pointers to other articles. Then someone gets offended by the offense and says it’s all PC-talk. Someone says that the kids feel kidnapped by their adopters. Someone takes real offense to that, saying they didn’t kidnap the kids, and should they just leave them in an orphanage?! Things escalate, and feelings get all hurt all over the place.
Nothing new. It’s been a topic of discussion for years.
Articles by adult adoptees who say they find the term offensive have been available for years, too. I read those articles way back when, and posts by adult adoptees on adoption triad lists, and decided to ditch the term myself, because I could see how it could be offensive. I “got” a car. I “got” a dog. No-one asks when I “got” my husband, eh? They always ask when I “met” him.
So we’ve gone on our merry way, and I’ve trained myself to use the phrase “when we met you” to the dotter so it’s become ingrained in my psyche. When talking about that day, I use “Metcha Day”. But other than that, I don’t think much about it until a hoo-rah like this rises up.
A few months ago, when we were newly come to Alaska, the dotter and I had gone for a hike along Little Lady River in Margaret Pass and were returning to the parking lot. As we emerged, my Caucasian-parent-with-Asian-children radar went off, focusing in on a guy with a bunch of boykids with him, all of whom were Asian. At some point he hailed me and I wandered up to introduce myself and the dotter.
At some point in the conversation, he asked, “We got him” (pointing at one son) “in (some city), and him” (pointing at another) “in (some other city) and him” (yeah, there were a bunch!) “in (third city). Where’d you get her?”
Now, he was an utterly nice guy. The boys all looked like fine, happy, healthy lads, playing all over the place and doing boyishly romping things in and out of his eyesight. But y’know, this was the very first time someone had ever asked me that question in that way, and it just…jarred me. And I guess I hesitated, or something in my face showed, because he was suddenly somewhat defensively apologetic, saying, “Or are you one of Those Folk who don’t like that term? I know some people don’t like it!”
Erg. Well. Um. Yeah, I guess I’m one of “those folk”.
Anyway, I answered that we had met the dotter in Guilin, avoiding the whole question of where I stand on “get” versus “met”, back in 2002, and yadda yadda yadda. We talked some more, the dotter and I left, and I sort of forgot about it until the topic came up again.
I don’t know how OmegaDad feels about it. I’m pretty sure he’d like the cuteness of “Gotcha Day”, and thinks more in terms of the daddy chasing the giggling girl, catching her, and going “Gotcha!” Whereas I listened to the nice guy at the parking lot “getting” his boys (a pre-teen two of whom were sitting right there listening to the conversation), and just imagined going to the kid shop and “getting” one.
I dunno. I suppose I’m turning all PC, and a lot of my readers are rolling their eyes at me and my oh-so-Victorian sensitivity to the term. But for some reason, that meeting just cemented in me why I don’t like it, and made me understand just why some adult adoptees (and teens) might find it offensive or just icky.
(On a totally different note: Have any of my blogging buddies gotten a slew of separate multi-page hits in a row from a new-to-them reader, all of them direct links without a referring page? It’s just kind of weird…)
