Udderly ridiculous
posted in Family, Funny, OmegaDad, OmegaDotter, Parenting |When we went looking at properties here in AK, OmegaDad wanted to find a place with more than one acre that was a horse property (i.e., zoned or HOA’d into allowing horses).
Lo and behold, we now have a greater-than-one-acre horse property.
Of course, a horse is far (may I reiterate that? FAAAARRRR.) into the future.
However, OmegaDad Has A Plan.
The plan includes goats.
Ahem.
It goes: We get two goats, cheap. We feed them, we take care of them, we milk one of them, they have baby goats, we sell baby goats, we stash the $$ in an account, lather, rinse, repeat. His plan has two prongs: first, get the kiddo into the habit of tending to helpless animals; second, build up the $$ for a horse.
Now, me, personally? I’d be more than happy to buy a horse and board it somewhere else. Wandering around the back forty of our lot has reminded me that horses produce vast amounts of horse poop. Vast. We have large heaps back there of nicely decaying horse poop that will no doubt have a good future as mulch for gardens. But it has driven into me the question: What exactly does one do with all the horse poop?
Not to mention the thought of any poor critters being dependent upon the dotter for care. Not to mention the corollary to that, which would be Someone Else Will End Up Tending The Goats.
All of that aside, OmegaDad and dotter are thinking goats.
OmegaDad purchased a magazine at the local pet store all about goats.
Yes, there is a goat magazine.
Cute little buggers, actually.
Anyway, the milking question came up. The dotter refused to believe you could milk goats. OmegaMom, ever the computer junkie, located a bunch of videos on YouTube about milking goats. The dotter was fascinated and grossed out. Her succinct comment: “EWWWWWWW!”
So OmegaDad had her practicing on his hand. That wasn’t really working, so he got out the hand condoms.
(What, you ask, are “hand condoms”?? Latex gloves, used in various areas in the house, such as when painting, when washing lots of things, etc.)
He blew one up. It was a hit. We are all sitting in my office, the dotter practicing “milking” the balloon-like latex gloves. We are slightly giggling. At some point, the dotter decides to be a goat, and positions the blown-up glove beneath her so OmegaDad can “milk” her. Some Twister-like confusion occurs, in which the balloon-glove goes whirling around the room, emitting a fart-like sound.
“Daddy! You pulled my udder off!”
All of which made us giggle even more.
So then OmegaDad decided the dotter needed a somewhat more lifelike imitation of udders. He and she vanished into the hinterlands of the house. Then a snickering dotter returned to the office to demand my presence in the downstairs bathroom.
The latest latex glove had been filled with water. But not filled enough. It drooped. It stretched. It wiggled. It pointed udders in wildly varying directions.
It made me and OmegaDad howl with laughter. So much so that my stomach hurt; I haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time.
OmegaDotter was not as amused, and thought we were very silly. Which, of course, made us howl more.
Alas, the water-filled pseudo-udder popped sometime overnight.
We are such sophisticates.
(Aunt Jean says that L’s issues were due to a series of strokes, not Alzheimer’s, but that it was horrible nonetheless. Noreen mentions that I should investigate drug side-effects–I think, however, that the memory issues are merely the mental fog of early menopause. Johnny asks why no pics on the “Wah!” post about the painting job; I tried, Johnny, I really tried, but every picture came out looking blue. That aside, the paint, when dry, looked better, we have done a second coat, and I think we are content.)
(Gah. Forgot. Two more things:
1. Do please check out my DonorsChoose challenge, and donate $10 to my selected teachers’ projects. They’re nothing major, just small potatoes. Can you help?
2. Is anyone else having problems with the side columns on my blog? If you resize the browser widthwise, the side columns appear and disappear for me. Does it do the same for you? Does anyone have any clue what might cause that?)
