23rd September 2007

The marvelous mushroom planet

posted in Alaska, OmegaDotter, Parenting |

I actually still have this book.  Somewhere.  It’s in a box in the garage.  On the cover it features mushrooms, aliens with big swollen heads, a professor with glasses (of course!) and a kid or two.  I seem to recall that the kid is male.  Harrumph.  But it was a grand read.  The writer wrote a whole slew of books about the mysterious Mr. Bass and the adventures he led the children to.

Why do I mention it?  Because all the rain we have gotten recently has made our yard a mushroom bonanza.  A short walk through the overgrown grass yields some amazing sights:

To give you an idea of just how mushroom-y the yard is, use the following picture as a guideline.  In words:  Take a step, and you trip over shrooms.

Because we’ve had so much rain, we have had to purchase the dotter a slicker and an umbrella.  We like the slicker–a cute reddish thing with pink apples scattered all over it, from Lands End.  She loves the umbrella, a Dora confection.

And there it is, that damned pixellation thing again.  I think I took that one before I figured out how to set the new camera up with maximum resolution for the pics.  I think.  Hmm.

Anyway, onto the dotter…

So many of my commenters are going “Hooray for OmegaDotter for being sassy and flouncy!”

I am cross-eyed.  Hooray?  I mean, yeah, it’s all well and good that she’s got strong opinions and is willing to voice them.  But dammit, I want those voicings of opinions to be mannerly (i.e., no sassing of mom and dad when they’re trying to tell you about empathy and being nice) and not mean (i.e., no “Go away!  I don’t like you!”).  It’s more than okay to not like someone–for heavens’ sake, we all have people we don’t like.  But being casually mean to someone else is a Big No-No in OmegaMom’s life and OmegaDad’s life.  You treat other people with respect and politeness until they give you reason to lose your respect.

So I’m cruisin’ the web looking at various “how to teach children empathy” pages.  A large number of them are Christian-oriented, but, luckily, they avoid religious references until the end of the Good Stuff.

The reassuring thing is that many of these pages are saying–essentially–that children are heartless self-centered snotty bitches/bastards for quite a while.  There I was thinking that by five years old, it was time for that empathy thang to kick in.  Actually, it has–she has empathy (sometimes) for mommy and daddy and for certain very well-loved people in her life.  But for folks outside that circle, the empathy factor diminishes.  Okay, let’s just say it:  It plummets.  Precipitously.  Like a stone going down a deep, dark well.

But according to all the things I’m reading, This Is Normal.

The thing is, I keep seeing all these darling little three and four year old girls who are nature-made nurse-y types, whose empathy factor overflows, who turn into teary watering pots at the sight of someone else who is hurt.  Our dotter?  Nope.  Not a bit.

The milk of human kindness is going to take a while to instill in her.  So.  Repeat after me:

“Other people have feelings.  You can hurt other people’s feelings.  We need to be nice to other people.  How would you feel if Bethany did x, y, and z?  Would that be nice?  Would you be happy or sad?”

And blah, blah, blah.

Oy.  Parenting is hard work.  This is homework, dammit!  I thought that after the threes and fours, the endless repetitive litany approach to teaching something to the child was over with.  Done with.  Don’t we have a rational human being here in the house now?  Well, yes.  Sort of.  But she’s a budding rational human being.  You can explain to her that it’s nice to have a neat house, and she gets it.  (Sometimes.)  But some other things need more time, I guess.

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 23rd, 2007 at 11:51 am and is filed under Alaska, OmegaDotter, Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

There are currently 11 responses to “The marvelous mushroom planet”

  1. 1 On September 23rd, 2007, carosgram said:

    I think the hope is that when the children are old enough to leave home they also have learned the skills to make them successful in the outside world. You have some time yet to instill the values you hold dear. I am so pleased but not at all surprised that you recognize that character is so much more important than academics or climbing the social ladder. She will learn by watching you and by hearing the same messages over and over. She sounds perfectly normal to me. This is the age where you have to teach empathy - it doesn’t come naturally.

  2. 2 On September 23rd, 2007, Theresa said:

    Our dd’s favorite person in the world outside of Daddy and Mommy (in that order!) is her cousin who was adopted from Korea, is 3 months younger and until this year was in the same class at school. The Pre-K teacher felt Kindergarten was the right time to separate them. They play together every day at recess and some days after school. Yet they have a real push/pull relationship and will argue like siblings. Some days it drives me nuts because dd never fights with her 3 closest friends from our China travel group who we see fairly often. Then again her relationship with me has been push/pull since the moment I was prying her loose from her dear foster mother. But then she’ll blow me away by running to the bathroom to get tissues for me when she has witnessed me crying my eyes out all too frequently in the past year while trying to help my dad with severe dementia. So somewhere inside some empathy is forming. I think like the attachment process it is ongoing and no matter what your age you have lessons to learn re. empathy. I am 43 and it took me until this summer to finally have empathy for what my mother had been dealing with for the last 10 years. Maybe I am finally growing up as I help dd to grow up.

  3. 3 On September 23rd, 2007, Margaret said:

    Empathy is a tough one. We are working on that with Pippi. She’s only 2 1/2 and I know we have a long road ahead. I can plead with her one minute to be nice to her brother and not a minute later she’ll clunk him off the head with a toy. I’m sure both OD and Pip will get it, it just takes time!

  4. 4 On September 23rd, 2007, jozet said:

    Even at 8, empathy is tough. The Age of Enlightenment does not, we are finding, come pre-packaged with Empathy For All or even Any on some days. In fact, I’m noticing more furtive shoves and tongue-wagging, especially as directed toward the younger sister.

    Some kids just seem to ooze empathy from the get-go, and their siblings (if we’re comparing case studies here and looking at nature/nurture) are just meanie-bleenies too all but a few (I think that’s the child development term).

    In fact, I can name a few adults who seem short on empathy and more focused on “me, me, me”; their own pain and suffering seemingly doesn’t lead way to “now I understand how this person feels” as much as it leads to more inward navel-gazing at just how unfair life or _______ is to them.

    I don’t know the answer. I know what the books say: model the behavior you want to see, specifically point out the wide ranges of emotions in others as they are happening, reward anything that comes close to looking like empathy (i.e. fake it till you make it) which isn’t quite the altruism-driven empathy one hopes for, but….

    Short answer: I don’t know.

    Keep us updated, though.

  5. 5 On September 23rd, 2007, preTzel said:

    Uhm, m’dear, empathy is something that is gained as we age. Her brain matures well in to her teen years. She will gain it - I promise. It won’t be as quick as you think so hold on for the ride. And just wait until the teen years arrive. She’ll either turn in to this wonderful human being that you will tell everyone about or she’ll turn in to this monster that you will not tell a soul about. (Well, you will tell them about her but it will be in words like “She…did…and then…said…and then…” :)

    You must remember that OD has you and OmegaDad for parents so something is bound to rub off eventually, right? Right! Heck, T is now 18 and on the good days I do see glimpses of somethings that have rubbed off on him. Take for instance the other day when I came home from the hospital, he saw us coming up the walk and he yelled out “Hey, you all right? K!” Then he shut the door in our faces. But…at least he checked on us. LOLOL! Well, he did open it again and help me through the screen door before plopping his teen arse back at the computer. (And did I tell you that the night the ambulance was here he never budged, not one inch, off that chair to even investigate the goings on? When asked later he said “Well, I figured if it was serious someone would tell me.” He never realized I wasn’t home until the next day when I came home from the hospital. Observant one that one. :) Don’t worry, I’m sure you and OD are doing a *much* better job w/ OD.

  6. 6 On September 23rd, 2007, lizard said:

    empathy is one thing, but empathy when it doesn’t, um, help you…. that’s entirely another.

    I also have a kid who isn’t a good sharer much of the time, and who will comfort me or her father or someone when she wants to, but to whom it isn’t her favorite or first choice of thing to do. She has a very close friend who is one of those girly-girl, sweet, writes everyone cards all the fucking time kids. Shares at the drop of a hat, always wants to help everyone do everything (and I think is a total showoff and wants to show that she can do it and the other kid can’t… but that’s apparently just me….). If my kid tries anything–even things she can do better than Friend– Friend always trots out a (to my ear tinny and a bit false-sounding) “good job, E!” It. Drives. Me. CRAZY.

    So I am a bad mom, who thinks my kid’s friend is too fucking nice and cloying and sweet— I am so mean that I simply assume that it can’t be genuine, because no one coul dbe like that for real, right?

    wonder where my kid learned her bad attitude. Total mystery to Moi.

    (and yes, we are working hard on the sharing, and the other people’s feelings and such. It is Very Hard.)

  7. 7 On September 24th, 2007, preTzel said:

    Lizard, Your post made me LOL because I see kids that are “too nice” in the same manner as you. LOL! I don’t make my boys share. Never have. I don’t share my stuff so I don’t expect them to share either. My mother and sisters used to tell me that my boys were going to be selfish little shits when they grew up. Uhm, they don’t say that anymore. They share. Learned it all on their own. *shrug* I guess it just came naturally because I figure it’s their stuff and if they don’t want to share it then that’s their business. Besides, when you shell out over $100+ for an electronic gadget the last thing I want them doing is sharing and having it broken and then them carrying on over it and me having to scrounge to replace it. (Whew, that was a long sentence.) I think OD will grow in to herself and I think Kate will be pleasantly surprised by her. :) As for your child? I think the same applies. It’s those other ones you have to watch out for. ;)

  8. 8 On September 24th, 2007, Lauri said:

    Oh I hear you on the sassy thing….. while it is good that our kiddos are strong willed, spirited and opinionated… a little respect for the parental figures goes a long way.. its a battle here for me too.

    I agree that modeling empathy is great, when we see a screaming kiddo at the grovery store I will say ” Poor Kid… she much really be having a rough day”.

  9. 9 On September 24th, 2007, Jane said:

    Hmmm-You have it…but even simpler, what about the Golden Rule? This is the “good stuff” as you say. Of our 3 daughters I have 1 “disher” and 2 that get hurt more easily than dish it out. For the “disher” I just continually have to express/guide how she should “be nice” be more sensitive to others etc. OK then I just yell sometimes. erg. She is 14. For the youngest, when she gets her feelings hurt, I just guide her to be as nice as possible, then if that doesn’t work, just walk away and do something else. So this could work in case OD hurts others’ feelings again — not that you’d be there to say anything, or that it would even be your role to do that. Guess parenting homework never ends!

  10. 10 On September 24th, 2007, SBird said:

    I think it’s a matter of balance, of course…sassy and flouncy suggests self-esteem and confidence, which in kids (especially those who have complex identity issues to begin with, as ours inevitably will) is a GOOD thing…and empathy and compassion and respect for authority are also good things, all of which take time. You’re her most important model. She’ll learn from you. And the ego thing will subside as she ages…she’s just meeting her ego for the first time on her terms, and, boy, is that a heady thing!

    My step-son is demonstrating signs of empathy for the first time in his life, at age 20 years and 10 months. And, as a result, we finally let him house sit for us and take care of the dogs, which he’s been begging to do forever. He’s been an “adult” for almost three years, mind you, but I wouldn’t have trusted him with my dogs until very recently….

  11. 11 On September 24th, 2007, Miss Cellania said:

    Empathy is a hard one. Some kids pick it up early and easily, some don’t. Some need to be forced into it. Right now, we’re working on why one kid doesn’t have any friends. She never did, but is just now starting to care about it. This may be my opportunity to teach empathy and make it stick, but it may also be too late for her classmates who know her well. All you can do is keep plugging away, and hope that something sinks in eventually.

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