Comments on: The marvelous mushroom planet http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/ A "good enough" mom muses about alpha moms, adoption, computers, the State Of The World, Internet quirkiness, and the Kosmik All Wed, 23 May 2012 16:04:08 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: Miss Cellania http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4293 Miss Cellania Tue, 25 Sep 2007 02:07:05 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4293 Empathy is a hard one. Some kids pick it up early and easily, some don't. Some need to be forced into it. Right now, we're working on why one kid doesn't have any friends. She never did, but is just now starting to care about it. This may be my opportunity to teach empathy and make it stick, but it may also be too late for her classmates who know her well. All you can do is keep plugging away, and hope that something sinks in eventually. Empathy is a hard one. Some kids pick it up early and easily, some don’t. Some need to be forced into it. Right now, we’re working on why one kid doesn’t have any friends. She never did, but is just now starting to care about it. This may be my opportunity to teach empathy and make it stick, but it may also be too late for her classmates who know her well. All you can do is keep plugging away, and hope that something sinks in eventually.

]]> By: SBird http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4290 SBird Mon, 24 Sep 2007 18:06:45 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4290 I think it's a matter of balance, of course...sassy and flouncy suggests self-esteem and confidence, which in kids (especially those who have complex identity issues to begin with, as ours inevitably will) is a GOOD thing...and empathy and compassion and respect for authority are also good things, all of which take time. You're her most important model. She'll learn from you. And the ego thing will subside as she ages...she's just meeting her ego for the first time on her terms, and, boy, is that a heady thing! My step-son is demonstrating signs of empathy for the first time in his life, at age 20 years and 10 months. And, as a result, we finally let him house sit for us and take care of the dogs, which he's been begging to do forever. He's been an "adult" for almost three years, mind you, but I wouldn't have trusted him with my dogs until very recently.... I think it’s a matter of balance, of course…sassy and flouncy suggests self-esteem and confidence, which in kids (especially those who have complex identity issues to begin with, as ours inevitably will) is a GOOD thing…and empathy and compassion and respect for authority are also good things, all of which take time. You’re her most important model. She’ll learn from you. And the ego thing will subside as she ages…she’s just meeting her ego for the first time on her terms, and, boy, is that a heady thing!

My step-son is demonstrating signs of empathy for the first time in his life, at age 20 years and 10 months. And, as a result, we finally let him house sit for us and take care of the dogs, which he’s been begging to do forever. He’s been an “adult” for almost three years, mind you, but I wouldn’t have trusted him with my dogs until very recently….

]]> By: Jane http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4289 Jane Mon, 24 Sep 2007 15:04:40 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4289 Hmmm-You have it...but even simpler, what about the Golden Rule? This is the "good stuff" as you say. Of our 3 daughters I have 1 "disher" and 2 that get hurt more easily than dish it out. For the "disher" I just continually have to express/guide how she should "be nice" be more sensitive to others etc. OK then I just yell sometimes. erg. She is 14. For the youngest, when she gets her feelings hurt, I just guide her to be as nice as possible, then if that doesn't work, just walk away and do something else. So this could work in case OD hurts others' feelings again -- not that you'd be there to say anything, or that it would even be your role to do that. Guess parenting homework never ends! Hmmm-You have it…but even simpler, what about the Golden Rule? This is the “good stuff” as you say. Of our 3 daughters I have 1 “disher” and 2 that get hurt more easily than dish it out. For the “disher” I just continually have to express/guide how she should “be nice” be more sensitive to others etc. OK then I just yell sometimes. erg. She is 14. For the youngest, when she gets her feelings hurt, I just guide her to be as nice as possible, then if that doesn’t work, just walk away and do something else. So this could work in case OD hurts others’ feelings again — not that you’d be there to say anything, or that it would even be your role to do that. Guess parenting homework never ends!

]]> By: Lauri http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4287 Lauri Mon, 24 Sep 2007 12:06:55 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4287 Oh I hear you on the sassy thing..... while it is good that our kiddos are strong willed, spirited and opinionated... a little respect for the parental figures goes a long way.. its a battle here for me too. I agree that modeling empathy is great, when we see a screaming kiddo at the grovery store I will say " Poor Kid... she much really be having a rough day". Oh I hear you on the sassy thing….. while it is good that our kiddos are strong willed, spirited and opinionated… a little respect for the parental figures goes a long way.. its a battle here for me too.

I agree that modeling empathy is great, when we see a screaming kiddo at the grovery store I will say ” Poor Kid… she much really be having a rough day”.

]]> By: preTzel http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4286 preTzel Mon, 24 Sep 2007 11:40:17 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4286 Lizard, Your post made me LOL because I see kids that are "too nice" in the same manner as you. LOL! I don't make my boys share. Never have. I don't share my stuff so I don't expect them to share either. My mother and sisters used to tell me that my boys were going to be selfish little shits when they grew up. Uhm, they don't say that anymore. They share. Learned it all on their own. *shrug* I guess it just came naturally because I figure it's their stuff and if they don't want to share it then that's their business. Besides, when you shell out over $100+ for an electronic gadget the last thing I want them doing is sharing and having it broken and then them carrying on over it and me having to scrounge to replace it. (Whew, that was a long sentence.) I think OD will grow in to herself and I think Kate will be pleasantly surprised by her. :) As for your child? I think the same applies. It's those other ones you have to watch out for. ;) Lizard, Your post made me LOL because I see kids that are “too nice” in the same manner as you. LOL! I don’t make my boys share. Never have. I don’t share my stuff so I don’t expect them to share either. My mother and sisters used to tell me that my boys were going to be selfish little shits when they grew up. Uhm, they don’t say that anymore. They share. Learned it all on their own. *shrug* I guess it just came naturally because I figure it’s their stuff and if they don’t want to share it then that’s their business. Besides, when you shell out over $100+ for an electronic gadget the last thing I want them doing is sharing and having it broken and then them carrying on over it and me having to scrounge to replace it. (Whew, that was a long sentence.) I think OD will grow in to herself and I think Kate will be pleasantly surprised by her. :) As for your child? I think the same applies. It’s those other ones you have to watch out for. ;)

]]> By: lizard http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4284 lizard Mon, 24 Sep 2007 05:39:52 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4284 empathy is one thing, but empathy when it doesn't, um, help you.... that's entirely another. I also have a kid who isn't a good sharer much of the time, and who will comfort me or her father or someone when she wants to, but to whom it isn't her favorite or first choice of thing to do. She has a very close friend who is one of those girly-girl, sweet, writes everyone cards all the fucking time kids. Shares at the drop of a hat, always wants to help everyone do everything (and I think is a total showoff and wants to show that she can do it and the other kid can't... but that's apparently just me....). If my kid tries anything--even things she can do better than Friend-- Friend always trots out a (to my ear tinny and a bit false-sounding) "good job, E!" It. Drives. Me. CRAZY. So I am a bad mom, who thinks my kid's friend is too fucking nice and cloying and sweet--- I am so mean that I simply assume that it can't be genuine, because no one coul dbe like that for real, right? wonder where my kid learned her bad attitude. Total mystery to Moi. (and yes, we are working hard on the sharing, and the other people's feelings and such. It is Very Hard.) empathy is one thing, but empathy when it doesn’t, um, help you…. that’s entirely another.

I also have a kid who isn’t a good sharer much of the time, and who will comfort me or her father or someone when she wants to, but to whom it isn’t her favorite or first choice of thing to do. She has a very close friend who is one of those girly-girl, sweet, writes everyone cards all the fucking time kids. Shares at the drop of a hat, always wants to help everyone do everything (and I think is a total showoff and wants to show that she can do it and the other kid can’t… but that’s apparently just me….). If my kid tries anything–even things she can do better than Friend– Friend always trots out a (to my ear tinny and a bit false-sounding) “good job, E!” It. Drives. Me. CRAZY.

So I am a bad mom, who thinks my kid’s friend is too fucking nice and cloying and sweet— I am so mean that I simply assume that it can’t be genuine, because no one coul dbe like that for real, right?

wonder where my kid learned her bad attitude. Total mystery to Moi.

(and yes, we are working hard on the sharing, and the other people’s feelings and such. It is Very Hard.)

]]> By: preTzel http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4283 preTzel Mon, 24 Sep 2007 04:59:36 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4283 Uhm, m'dear, empathy is something that is gained as we age. Her brain matures well in to her teen years. She will gain it - I promise. It won't be as quick as you think so hold on for the ride. And just wait until the teen years arrive. She'll either turn in to this wonderful human being that you will tell everyone about or she'll turn in to this monster that you will not tell a soul about. (Well, you will tell them about her but it will be in words like "She...did...and then...said...and then..." :) You must remember that OD has you and OmegaDad for parents so something is bound to rub off eventually, right? Right! Heck, T is now 18 and on the good days I do see glimpses of somethings that have rubbed off on him. Take for instance the other day when I came home from the hospital, he saw us coming up the walk and he yelled out "Hey, you all right? K!" Then he shut the door in our faces. But...at least he checked on us. LOLOL! Well, he did open it again and help me through the screen door before plopping his teen arse back at the computer. (And did I tell you that the night the ambulance was here he never budged, not one inch, off that chair to even investigate the goings on? When asked later he said "Well, I figured if it was serious someone would tell me." He never realized I wasn't home until the next day when I came home from the hospital. Observant one that one. :) Don't worry, I'm sure you and OD are doing a *much* better job w/ OD. Uhm, m’dear, empathy is something that is gained as we age. Her brain matures well in to her teen years. She will gain it - I promise. It won’t be as quick as you think so hold on for the ride. And just wait until the teen years arrive. She’ll either turn in to this wonderful human being that you will tell everyone about or she’ll turn in to this monster that you will not tell a soul about. (Well, you will tell them about her but it will be in words like “She…did…and then…said…and then…” :)

You must remember that OD has you and OmegaDad for parents so something is bound to rub off eventually, right? Right! Heck, T is now 18 and on the good days I do see glimpses of somethings that have rubbed off on him. Take for instance the other day when I came home from the hospital, he saw us coming up the walk and he yelled out “Hey, you all right? K!” Then he shut the door in our faces. But…at least he checked on us. LOLOL! Well, he did open it again and help me through the screen door before plopping his teen arse back at the computer. (And did I tell you that the night the ambulance was here he never budged, not one inch, off that chair to even investigate the goings on? When asked later he said “Well, I figured if it was serious someone would tell me.” He never realized I wasn’t home until the next day when I came home from the hospital. Observant one that one. :) Don’t worry, I’m sure you and OD are doing a *much* better job w/ OD.

]]> By: jozet http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4282 jozet Mon, 24 Sep 2007 03:03:18 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4282 Even at 8, empathy is tough. The Age of Enlightenment does not, we are finding, come pre-packaged with Empathy For All or even Any on some days. In fact, I'm noticing more furtive shoves and tongue-wagging, especially as directed toward the younger sister. Some kids just seem to ooze empathy from the get-go, and their siblings (if we're comparing case studies here and looking at nature/nurture) are just meanie-bleenies too all but a few (I think that's the child development term). In fact, I can name a few adults who seem short on empathy and more focused on "me, me, me"; their own pain and suffering seemingly doesn't lead way to "now I understand how this person feels" as much as it leads to more inward navel-gazing at just how unfair life or _______ is to them. I don't know the answer. I know what the books say: model the behavior you want to see, specifically point out the wide ranges of emotions in others as they are happening, reward anything that comes close to looking like empathy (i.e. fake it till you make it) which isn't quite the altruism-driven empathy one hopes for, but.... Short answer: I don't know. Keep us updated, though. Even at 8, empathy is tough. The Age of Enlightenment does not, we are finding, come pre-packaged with Empathy For All or even Any on some days. In fact, I’m noticing more furtive shoves and tongue-wagging, especially as directed toward the younger sister.

Some kids just seem to ooze empathy from the get-go, and their siblings (if we’re comparing case studies here and looking at nature/nurture) are just meanie-bleenies too all but a few (I think that’s the child development term).

In fact, I can name a few adults who seem short on empathy and more focused on “me, me, me”; their own pain and suffering seemingly doesn’t lead way to “now I understand how this person feels” as much as it leads to more inward navel-gazing at just how unfair life or _______ is to them.

I don’t know the answer. I know what the books say: model the behavior you want to see, specifically point out the wide ranges of emotions in others as they are happening, reward anything that comes close to looking like empathy (i.e. fake it till you make it) which isn’t quite the altruism-driven empathy one hopes for, but….

Short answer: I don’t know.

Keep us updated, though.

]]> By: Margaret http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4280 Margaret Mon, 24 Sep 2007 01:25:51 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4280 Empathy is a tough one. We are working on that with Pippi. She's only 2 1/2 and I know we have a long road ahead. I can plead with her one minute to be nice to her brother and not a minute later she'll clunk him off the head with a toy. I'm sure both OD and Pip will get it, it just takes time! Empathy is a tough one. We are working on that with Pippi. She’s only 2 1/2 and I know we have a long road ahead. I can plead with her one minute to be nice to her brother and not a minute later she’ll clunk him off the head with a toy. I’m sure both OD and Pip will get it, it just takes time!

]]> By: Theresa http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4279 Theresa Mon, 24 Sep 2007 01:02:19 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/09/23/the-marvelous-mushroom-planet/#comment-4279 Our dd's favorite person in the world outside of Daddy and Mommy (in that order!) is her cousin who was adopted from Korea, is 3 months younger and until this year was in the same class at school. The Pre-K teacher felt Kindergarten was the right time to separate them. They play together every day at recess and some days after school. Yet they have a real push/pull relationship and will argue like siblings. Some days it drives me nuts because dd never fights with her 3 closest friends from our China travel group who we see fairly often. Then again her relationship with me has been push/pull since the moment I was prying her loose from her dear foster mother. But then she'll blow me away by running to the bathroom to get tissues for me when she has witnessed me crying my eyes out all too frequently in the past year while trying to help my dad with severe dementia. So somewhere inside some empathy is forming. I think like the attachment process it is ongoing and no matter what your age you have lessons to learn re. empathy. I am 43 and it took me until this summer to finally have empathy for what my mother had been dealing with for the last 10 years. Maybe I am finally growing up as I help dd to grow up. Our dd’s favorite person in the world outside of Daddy and Mommy (in that order!) is her cousin who was adopted from Korea, is 3 months younger and until this year was in the same class at school. The Pre-K teacher felt Kindergarten was the right time to separate them. They play together every day at recess and some days after school. Yet they have a real push/pull relationship and will argue like siblings. Some days it drives me nuts because dd never fights with her 3 closest friends from our China travel group who we see fairly often. Then again her relationship with me has been push/pull since the moment I was prying her loose from her dear foster mother. But then she’ll blow me away by running to the bathroom to get tissues for me when she has witnessed me crying my eyes out all too frequently in the past year while trying to help my dad with severe dementia. So somewhere inside some empathy is forming. I think like the attachment process it is ongoing and no matter what your age you have lessons to learn re. empathy. I am 43 and it took me until this summer to finally have empathy for what my mother had been dealing with for the last 10 years. Maybe I am finally growing up as I help dd to grow up.

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