28th August 2007

Projection? Or not?

posted in Uncategorized |

So here we are, new state, new job for OmegaDad, a Shoebox to live in with a new house soon, new school for OmegaDotter and new kindergarden…

Just before we headed off to China to meet the dotter, I quizzed some friends in the IT department about who they were sending their kids to for daycare.  There had been a mini baby boom that started the year before, and there were four or five ladies who had children similar in age to the dotter.  They gave me a variety of recommendations, which were more or less conveniently located, and I trotted off to one to check it out.  It was warm, it was welcoming, it was well-organized, and it was staffed by a slew of nice young things in the education program at Small Mountain University, so it was cheap (student labor=slave labor, essentially).

Four years later, at the beginning of summer, OmegaDotter left that daycare/preschool to go off to summer camp for the first time. 

She had been at the same place for four and a half years.  She had grown up with many of the kids in her age group.  She knew them all–and they all knew her.

When we’d show up in the morning, it was like a scene from Cheers.  Remember how Norm would walk in, and everyone at the bar would call out, “Norm!” “Normie Boy!” “Ey, Norm, how’s things?” and he would make the circuit, gripping biceps and slapping backs and sharing jokes and what-no?  That was the dotter.  She’d walk in, and it would be, “OmegaDotter!”  “OmegaDotter’s here!  Yay!”  “OmegaDotter, come here!”

And we knew moms and their kids at summer camp; there were familiar faces during the day or at pick-up time.  And One and Only True Love was taking swimming lessons at the same place in the afternoons, so that was, of course, a major plus.

All of this adds up to…a clueless mom.

It never, ever occurred to me that OmegaDotter had no experience in “how to make friends”.  No experience in being “the new kid”.  No idea, really, how to do it.

Well, duh.  Picture OmegaMom slapping her forehead, a la a V8 commercial.

When I picked her up from after-school care this afternoon, she was sitting all alone by the side of the playground, carefully filling in holes in the dirt.  All by herself.  And I remembered–oh, how well I remembered–what it was like being shy and new and lonely.

Now, it’s usually quite difficult to get details from the dotter.  It is, in fact, like pulling teeth.  Impacted wisdom teeth, at that.  She chatters and dances, and sort of slides away from the questions.  Which she started doing as soon as I asked a little bit about her day, and who she played with, and how was it?

So, bound and determined, when we got into the car, I said, “OmegaDotter.  OmegaDotter, come up here,” and I patted my lap.  “Want to sit on my lap a bit?”  Pleased and surprised, she crawled up front, got into my lap, and began the chitter-chatter.  And I started the inquisition, with detailed, specific questions.

I got:  “Nobody wants to play with me.”

When I asked if she asked them, she said she did, and they didn’t want to.

I asked her how it felt; when she shrugged and said, “I dunno”, I asked her if it made her feel happy?  She shook her head.  Did it make her feel kind of sad?  There was a pause, and she nodded, looking out the window.

The details were this happened both at school and at after-care.

And I’m left feeling kind of helpless.  I am not the person to come to for advice in how to make friends and influence people; I am shy as hell and it’s taken me some 40 years to get to the point where I just barge right in at parties and start talking to people.  It doesn’t help that I don’t know anyone here and we’re all new and everything’s up in the air right now…

I’m signing her up for gymnastics, and ballet as soon as I can find a recommended ballet studio.  So those will help a bit.  And I told her that in a few weeks she’d get to know most of the kids and she’d start to make friends (she seemed very skeptical).

But right now we’re all adrift, at sea, and it makes me sad to see the dotter sitting all by herself.  (A couple of the older girls have taken her under their wings, but she needs/wants some kids her own age.)

Speaking of the sea:  My new theme is anchored by a pic I took of the inlet by Big City a few weeks ago. 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 28th, 2007 at 11:57 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

There are currently 11 responses to “Projection? Or not?”

  1. 1 On August 29th, 2007, chicagomama said:

    Gosh, this is a hard one. But, Cami had sort of this same issue when she started Montessori because of almost the same reason - she had never had to learn how to make friends.
    My suggestion would be to enlist the teacher or aftercare workes to Omegadotter’s aid. You can set up a v. brief meeting and explain that dotter is shy and sensitive, and you were hoping they could help dotter navigate the social waters at first.
    A good teacher or after care worker will help children to make friends and fit in. And I don’t think a v. pretty, nice little girl is going to really have all that much trouble. But those first few weeks can be rough on dotter and mother unless you get a wee bit of help.
    Good luck, and sending good juju.

  2. 2 On August 29th, 2007, 3cmum said:

    No advice but simply to say I went through 7 different schools and its hard, damm hard to do. However, once you’ve done it once, you learn that it will work out - eventually.

    I so feel for you and her. Do you get a class list from the teacher? Can you (once you are out of the shoebox) organize some playdates for her. Perhaps one on one things might be better.

    Your post really hit a nerve as I have a first grader who is going to transfer schools next year and who has never done that either. Best wishes.

  3. 3 On August 29th, 2007, Spacemom said:

    I was going to say what CM did. Talk to the teachers. See if they can help set up “workgroups” or group activities where OD can interact with other kids. See if the teachers will help by gently suggesting that OD join other kids playing etc…

    It’s hard. I started Soleil in gymnastics last year just so she would meet kids in our town. It worked out well that she now knows one of the kids in her K class.

    Shy is hard. Sending some extra hugs to the OD…

  4. 4 On August 29th, 2007, Julie Pippert said:

    My consolation in this being school number 4 for my daughter was that the day before school when she anxiously expressed her fears that nobody would know her, talk to her, play with her etc. I said, “You’ve started new before and done fine,” and recalling that she felt more confident.

    Hasn’t OD started a new activity or something where she did meet new kids, outside of school? Can she draw on that?

    Check with the teacher.

    And go have lunch with her one day.

    (HUG)

    Julie
    Ravin’ Picture Maven

  5. 5 On August 29th, 2007, lisa said:

    We moved right before I started second grade. I was painfully shy, essentially until I was 30, when I suddenly realized none of it mattered. I was very secure in my first grade class-no close friends, but I won the all district spelling bee and thus had a lot of support and “insulation” from the teachers, and a lot of neighborhood friends. At the new school, the teacher was very unsupportive and even told me not to be a baby when I started crying because a kid accidentally punched me the first week of school(he was wrestling with another boy-he is now a district superintendent ;). My mother hand picked friends for me, B and D-we are still friends 30 some years later despite having little in common, so I guess she did ok. But initially, she really had to push me and make arrangements for us to play together-I was not drawn to D at all (she is German, and had a very different way of communicating than what I was used to), and she lived 4 doors down (thus my mother’s persistence)-but within a few months we were inseparable. Good luck-it’s hard work! ~lmc

  6. 6 On August 29th, 2007, Lizard said:

    I want to echo much of what has been said.

    I am not shy, but E is. She is very shy for a long time in new situations. So. When she started preschool, it seemed like things were OK enough, but eventually I picked a mom I liked, with a kid the same age (who also lives very close to us– I practically stalked them!) and we started getting them together. A lot. They love each other and play a ton, and it really helps.

    I would talk to the teachers. I would ask if you could send her with some cool toy for after care, something that might attract kids to her (eeeew. I know, it’s like smearing her with liver so the dog will play– but it’s an ice breaker and no more). I would also– instantly, today, tomorrow– stand around, talk to the other parents, and find someone to set up a play date with, for this weekend. Start helping her to make friends. Really. You have to, or my heart will break.

  7. 7 On August 29th, 2007, SBird said:

    No. Not projection. There’s a reason why moving is up there with divorce and death of spouse as the three top stressors of our lives. Even for kids. Especially for kids.

    I second what someone up above said about finding a mom YOU like (because that usually says something about the kid, too) and starting to do the playdate thing. I work better with one-on-ones because I am shy as well (and I suspect you do too), so this strategy would work better for me than trying to do the mom-pack thing at school….

  8. 8 On August 29th, 2007, carosgram said:

    It is always so hard when our children are hurt and there is little we can do to make it all better. And of course this may be complicated by inappropriate guilt because your husband and you moved her all the way to Alaska. Although it is painful now for dotter in the long run this is a great experience for her. She will learn that things can look bleak and still turn out well. I agree with Chicagomama that a cute, smart, well -mannered child will not be friendless long. Dotter will also develop some new skills about making friends, dealing with unfamiliar places and cultures, coping with disappointments and learning that life is not ‘all about you’. However, that is in the long run. Right now you have a very unhappy little girl with legitimate complaints. I know you will handle it all very well. Know that you have friends who understand and support you during this. Wishing you the best!

  9. 9 On August 29th, 2007, AmericanFamily said:

    Oh, that just broke my heart. We have been working hard this year on teaching M how to make friends. One of the best things we did was to invite some kids over for one on one playdates as soon as she started at her new school last year. Lessons and classes will be a good start too, especially if you can find out where some of the kids in her class go. I am sending some good friend-making thoughts her way.

  10. 10 On August 31st, 2007, Miss Cellania said:

    Poor kid. You and I know this will work itself out in a month or so, but it will seem like an eternity for her. When you get moved in, maybe you could throw a little kids party. Or take cupcakes to school. Make up an occasion. Good luck!

  11. 11 On September 2nd, 2007, Maia said:

    I know I’m coming late to this party -(arrived here via SBird and Brooklyn Mama) but I feel for your little girl and I have one word for you - Playdates (or maybe that’s two words slurred together?). As many as you can handle.

    The teachers might be able to redirect the kid cliques a little at school, but the easiest way to break the ice for your daughter is for you to do some of the initial work - hang around after pick up and smile at the other parents, and strike up conversation, and find someone who seems decent and smiles back - and then just ask for a playdate. Your daughter is still young enough for you to arrange them - and once kids have a chance to have one-on-one time together - to play with each other’s toys, and see each other’s rooms and spend some QT together - it will be easier for your girl to hook in at school. I know you’re in transition right now - but you could plan to meet at a park (if you can’t wangle an invitation to the other parent’s house) or take them to a bakery or any other fun place you can think of. I’m pretty sure it will work! Good luck!

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