Comments on: Projection? Or not? http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/ A "good enough" mom muses about alpha moms, adoption, computers, the State Of The World, Internet quirkiness, and the Kosmik All Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:40:10 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: Maia http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3950 Maia Sun, 02 Sep 2007 16:37:30 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3950 I know I'm coming late to this party -(arrived here via SBird and Brooklyn Mama) but I feel for your little girl and I have one word for you - Playdates (or maybe that's two words slurred together?). As many as you can handle. The teachers might be able to redirect the kid cliques a little at school, but the easiest way to break the ice for your daughter is for you to do some of the initial work - hang around after pick up and smile at the other parents, and strike up conversation, and find someone who seems decent and smiles back - and then just ask for a playdate. Your daughter is still young enough for you to arrange them - and once kids have a chance to have one-on-one time together - to play with each other's toys, and see each other's rooms and spend some QT together - it will be easier for your girl to hook in at school. I know you're in transition right now - but you could plan to meet at a park (if you can't wangle an invitation to the other parent's house) or take them to a bakery or any other fun place you can think of. I'm pretty sure it will work! Good luck! I know I’m coming late to this party -(arrived here via SBird and Brooklyn Mama) but I feel for your little girl and I have one word for you - Playdates (or maybe that’s two words slurred together?). As many as you can handle.

The teachers might be able to redirect the kid cliques a little at school, but the easiest way to break the ice for your daughter is for you to do some of the initial work - hang around after pick up and smile at the other parents, and strike up conversation, and find someone who seems decent and smiles back - and then just ask for a playdate. Your daughter is still young enough for you to arrange them - and once kids have a chance to have one-on-one time together - to play with each other’s toys, and see each other’s rooms and spend some QT together - it will be easier for your girl to hook in at school. I know you’re in transition right now - but you could plan to meet at a park (if you can’t wangle an invitation to the other parent’s house) or take them to a bakery or any other fun place you can think of. I’m pretty sure it will work! Good luck!

]]> By: Miss Cellania http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3925 Miss Cellania Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:36:03 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3925 Poor kid. You and I know this will work itself out in a month or so, but it will seem like an eternity for her. When you get moved in, maybe you could throw a little kids party. Or take cupcakes to school. Make up an occasion. Good luck! Poor kid. You and I know this will work itself out in a month or so, but it will seem like an eternity for her. When you get moved in, maybe you could throw a little kids party. Or take cupcakes to school. Make up an occasion. Good luck!

]]> By: AmericanFamily http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3889 AmericanFamily Wed, 29 Aug 2007 23:29:06 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3889 Oh, that just broke my heart. We have been working hard this year on teaching M how to make friends. One of the best things we did was to invite some kids over for one on one playdates as soon as she started at her new school last year. Lessons and classes will be a good start too, especially if you can find out where some of the kids in her class go. I am sending some good friend-making thoughts her way. Oh, that just broke my heart. We have been working hard this year on teaching M how to make friends. One of the best things we did was to invite some kids over for one on one playdates as soon as she started at her new school last year. Lessons and classes will be a good start too, especially if you can find out where some of the kids in her class go. I am sending some good friend-making thoughts her way.

]]> By: carosgram http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3887 carosgram Wed, 29 Aug 2007 20:10:08 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3887 It is always so hard when our children are hurt and there is little we can do to make it all better. And of course this may be complicated by inappropriate guilt because your husband and you moved her all the way to Alaska. Although it is painful now for dotter in the long run this is a great experience for her. She will learn that things can look bleak and still turn out well. I agree with Chicagomama that a cute, smart, well -mannered child will not be friendless long. Dotter will also develop some new skills about making friends, dealing with unfamiliar places and cultures, coping with disappointments and learning that life is not 'all about you'. However, that is in the long run. Right now you have a very unhappy little girl with legitimate complaints. I know you will handle it all very well. Know that you have friends who understand and support you during this. Wishing you the best! It is always so hard when our children are hurt and there is little we can do to make it all better. And of course this may be complicated by inappropriate guilt because your husband and you moved her all the way to Alaska. Although it is painful now for dotter in the long run this is a great experience for her. She will learn that things can look bleak and still turn out well. I agree with Chicagomama that a cute, smart, well -mannered child will not be friendless long. Dotter will also develop some new skills about making friends, dealing with unfamiliar places and cultures, coping with disappointments and learning that life is not ‘all about you’. However, that is in the long run. Right now you have a very unhappy little girl with legitimate complaints. I know you will handle it all very well. Know that you have friends who understand and support you during this. Wishing you the best!

]]> By: SBird http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3884 SBird Wed, 29 Aug 2007 18:05:13 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3884 No. Not projection. There's a reason why moving is up there with divorce and death of spouse as the three top stressors of our lives. Even for kids. Especially for kids. I second what someone up above said about finding a mom YOU like (because that usually says something about the kid, too) and starting to do the playdate thing. I work better with one-on-ones because I am shy as well (and I suspect you do too), so this strategy would work better for me than trying to do the mom-pack thing at school.... No. Not projection. There’s a reason why moving is up there with divorce and death of spouse as the three top stressors of our lives. Even for kids. Especially for kids.

I second what someone up above said about finding a mom YOU like (because that usually says something about the kid, too) and starting to do the playdate thing. I work better with one-on-ones because I am shy as well (and I suspect you do too), so this strategy would work better for me than trying to do the mom-pack thing at school….

]]> By: Lizard http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3880 Lizard Wed, 29 Aug 2007 17:27:29 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3880 I want to echo much of what has been said. I am not shy, but E is. She is very shy for a long time in new situations. So. When she started preschool, it seemed like things were OK enough, but eventually I picked a mom I liked, with a kid the same age (who also lives very close to us-- I practically stalked them!) and we started getting them together. A lot. They love each other and play a ton, and it really helps. I would talk to the teachers. I would ask if you could send her with some cool toy for after care, something that might attract kids to her (eeeew. I know, it's like smearing her with liver so the dog will play-- but it's an ice breaker and no more). I would also-- instantly, today, tomorrow-- stand around, talk to the other parents, and find someone to set up a play date with, for this weekend. Start helping her to make friends. Really. You have to, or my heart will break. I want to echo much of what has been said.

I am not shy, but E is. She is very shy for a long time in new situations. So. When she started preschool, it seemed like things were OK enough, but eventually I picked a mom I liked, with a kid the same age (who also lives very close to us– I practically stalked them!) and we started getting them together. A lot. They love each other and play a ton, and it really helps.

I would talk to the teachers. I would ask if you could send her with some cool toy for after care, something that might attract kids to her (eeeew. I know, it’s like smearing her with liver so the dog will play– but it’s an ice breaker and no more). I would also– instantly, today, tomorrow– stand around, talk to the other parents, and find someone to set up a play date with, for this weekend. Start helping her to make friends. Really. You have to, or my heart will break.

]]> By: lisa http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3879 lisa Wed, 29 Aug 2007 16:35:40 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3879 We moved right before I started second grade. I was painfully shy, essentially until I was 30, when I suddenly realized none of it mattered. I was very secure in my first grade class-no close friends, but I won the all district spelling bee and thus had a lot of support and "insulation" from the teachers, and a lot of neighborhood friends. At the new school, the teacher was very unsupportive and even told me not to be a baby when I started crying because a kid accidentally punched me the first week of school(he was wrestling with another boy-he is now a district superintendent ;). My mother hand picked friends for me, B and D-we are still friends 30 some years later despite having little in common, so I guess she did ok. But initially, she really had to push me and make arrangements for us to play together-I was not drawn to D at all (she is German, and had a very different way of communicating than what I was used to), and she lived 4 doors down (thus my mother's persistence)-but within a few months we were inseparable. Good luck-it's hard work! ~lmc We moved right before I started second grade. I was painfully shy, essentially until I was 30, when I suddenly realized none of it mattered. I was very secure in my first grade class-no close friends, but I won the all district spelling bee and thus had a lot of support and “insulation” from the teachers, and a lot of neighborhood friends. At the new school, the teacher was very unsupportive and even told me not to be a baby when I started crying because a kid accidentally punched me the first week of school(he was wrestling with another boy-he is now a district superintendent ;). My mother hand picked friends for me, B and D-we are still friends 30 some years later despite having little in common, so I guess she did ok. But initially, she really had to push me and make arrangements for us to play together-I was not drawn to D at all (she is German, and had a very different way of communicating than what I was used to), and she lived 4 doors down (thus my mother’s persistence)-but within a few months we were inseparable. Good luck-it’s hard work! ~lmc

]]> By: Julie Pippert http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3877 Julie Pippert Wed, 29 Aug 2007 15:43:12 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3877 My consolation in this being school number 4 for my daughter was that the day before school when she anxiously expressed her fears that nobody would know her, talk to her, play with her etc. I said, "You've started new before and done fine," and recalling that she felt more confident. Hasn't OD started a new activity or something where she did meet new kids, outside of school? Can she draw on that? Check with the teacher. And go have lunch with her one day. (HUG) Julie <a href="http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Ravin' Picture Maven</a> My consolation in this being school number 4 for my daughter was that the day before school when she anxiously expressed her fears that nobody would know her, talk to her, play with her etc. I said, “You’ve started new before and done fine,” and recalling that she felt more confident.

Hasn’t OD started a new activity or something where she did meet new kids, outside of school? Can she draw on that?

Check with the teacher.

And go have lunch with her one day.

(HUG)

Julie
Ravin’ Picture Maven

]]> By: Spacemom http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3876 Spacemom Wed, 29 Aug 2007 14:24:51 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3876 I was going to say what CM did. Talk to the teachers. See if they can help set up "workgroups" or group activities where OD can interact with other kids. See if the teachers will help by gently suggesting that OD join other kids playing etc... It's hard. I started Soleil in gymnastics last year just so she would meet kids in our town. It worked out well that she now knows one of the kids in her K class. Shy is hard. Sending some extra hugs to the OD... I was going to say what CM did. Talk to the teachers. See if they can help set up “workgroups” or group activities where OD can interact with other kids. See if the teachers will help by gently suggesting that OD join other kids playing etc…

It’s hard. I started Soleil in gymnastics last year just so she would meet kids in our town. It worked out well that she now knows one of the kids in her K class.

Shy is hard. Sending some extra hugs to the OD…

]]> By: 3cmum http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3871 3cmum Wed, 29 Aug 2007 13:10:14 +0000 http://omegamom.com/2007/08/28/projection-or-not/#comment-3871 No advice but simply to say I went through 7 different schools and its hard, damm hard to do. However, once you've done it once, you learn that it will work out - eventually. I so feel for you and her. Do you get a class list from the teacher? Can you (once you are out of the shoebox) organize some playdates for her. Perhaps one on one things might be better. Your post really hit a nerve as I have a first grader who is going to transfer schools next year and who has never done that either. Best wishes. No advice but simply to say I went through 7 different schools and its hard, damm hard to do. However, once you’ve done it once, you learn that it will work out - eventually.

I so feel for you and her. Do you get a class list from the teacher? Can you (once you are out of the shoebox) organize some playdates for her. Perhaps one on one things might be better.

Your post really hit a nerve as I have a first grader who is going to transfer schools next year and who has never done that either. Best wishes.

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