A very bear-y trial
Returning from the China Buffet, where we had gorged on gingery jiaozi (potstickers) and lovely California-style sushi and other wondrous foods, I had OmegaGranny, the dotter, and Niece K and Nephew I in the car.
And Bear.
Nephew I had very carefully tucked Bear into the seatbelt with him at the dotter’s behest.
Suddenly, an outcry arose.
“Aunt Kate! K hit Bear!”
“What?!”
“K hit Bear!”
“K–go into time-out!”
(K, I must be quick to add, is turning 14 in a few weeks, and I is 12. They were extremely patient and goodnatured with the dotter, who followed them around like a dog most of the time, including being a dog, named Monkey, who had to be led around by a leash made of Louisiana Mardi Gras beads.)
“I did not! We have a miscommunication! I didn’t hit Bear!”
“She did too!” quoth Nephew I.
“Did not!” quoth K.
“Hm. What we need is a trial,” I announced.
“Okay! Who is what?”
OmegaGranny volunteered to be the jury.
Nephew I was named the judge. I didn’t say anything about potential conflicts of interest.
K wanted to be both the prosecutor and defender.
I was the narrator.
“Oyez, oyez, court is now in session. The Honorable Judge I.W. presiding. Before the court is K.W., charged with assaulting Bear. How plead you, K.W.?”
“Not guilty, your honor!”
“Okay, now you have to do an opening statement as the prosecutor.”
“What does an opening statement sound like?”
Here’s where I switched from being the narrator to being the prosecutor:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this case, I will demonstrate to you that K.W., sitting over there, did violently and wilfully cause extreme physical and emotional distress to the victim, Mr. Bear-y Bear. Witnesses will describe the assault, and you will be called upon to judge K.W. to the best of your ability.”
“(Now it’s your turn, K.)”
“Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, in the interests of freedom and civil rights, I will show you that what occurred was simply a miscommunication, and that no assault took place!” (I can’t convey the wonderfully ringing and pompous voice that K. used in this pronouncement.)
“Call the first witness!”
“(Psst! Who’s going to be a witness?!)”
“I will!” volunteers K.
“K.W., will you please describe to the people of the jury the events that took place at approximately 8 p.m. on Saturday the 23rd of June, 2007?”
“Bear-y Bear was reaching out a paw. I thought he was asking for a high five, so I high-fived him. I never meant to hit him!”
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what say you?”
At this point, alas, I drove the car up in front of OmegaGranny’s house, and the trial was adjourned. We will never know whether K. was found guilty or innocent.
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