Comments on: Through the looking glass

By: omegamom

omegamom — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 02:43:15 +0000

Jane–You sound like us–too old (very soon, sigh) and an additional issue that disqualifies us. The Wharton sounds good–if and when we ever get back to China/Nanning, we’ll check it out!

Theresa–I didn’t notice any mold, but a sort of musty smell permeated the hotel. And People’s Park was awesome! We went there quite often.

Liz–I just don’t know. I know that you have a lot of medical experience…and I greatly respect that (and you!). But if you look up “institutional autism”, you’ll find some articles by child development psychologists that say that many children from institutions or situations where they were neglected show almost identical behaviors. And sometimes it *is* “fixable”–BTDT, one of the commenters, had a US doctor view a videotape and that doctor diagnosed autism, but now the child is a happy, normal 4-year-old.

Elaine–Did you have Michael both times? The Michael who works for CCAI lives in the Nanning area. I don’t remember much of anything about those couches, just that we all sat there for hours while each couple went into the notary’s office and got asked the official questions and gave the official answers.

Abebech–I agree. M running around with the nannies was also intersting. Like I said to Liz, I just don’t know. I don’t know what I’d do in that situation, I don’t know what having a bad facilitator and bad communication with my agency and bad everything would do to me.

Jason–Oh, we had a good time at the Majestic, and we also loved Nanning. It’s a beautiful city, especially in the middle of winter when it’s not hot as heck!

By: jason

jason — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 22:17:37 +0000

I actually really liked the Majestic…we were treated very well - sure it was a bit ‘alive’ but subtropical climes do tend to bring that out…Loved Nanning too…My big girl wanted nothing to do with me for a few days but that’s comparatively nothing. I can’t really imagine what Chew went through

By: Abebech

Abebech — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:57:06 +0000

I am so sorry this happened to her, and I imagine that it was heartbreaking. B
ut having adopted a toddler, I agree that the timing compounded whatever was happening with M. Our agency will not allow two placements within twelve months of one another, and I’m so glad they have this rule. There seems to be a post-adoption high when a parent first comes home, where she feels like she could do this again and again. Overflowing with love, not yet fatigued, not always practical . . . But the fact is that two adoptions within twelve months is a known risk factor for disruption.
I’m quite frustrated with the notion that we can diagnose this little girl from what we’ve read on a blog, any more than a doctor could diagnose pdd over the phone. I’m sure she’s doing the absolute best she can, but it’s all filtered information, and even at that it isn’t unequivocal. I can’t get the moment where M calms, and plays with a ball, out of my head. IA docs should tell you not to go through with it, when pushed — as consultants, IA docs must err on the side of caution. But should we as parents? That’s a far more personal decision. (For ET it isn’t a choice — there’s no “harmonious agreement.” We give POA to an agent to adopt for us in country and a new bc is issued, then we arrive and take custody, finish at the embassy a few days later. On the other hand, the care situation is far different as is the referral process, part of the reason we chose ET).
I was most sorry for BTDT, who got skewered in the comments for asking readers to be careful that in a panic they don’t miss their own BEST THING EVER. What she posted must be very painful — to remember and also to write that once, she felt she needed to reject her daughter whom she now adores, and she was attacked for saying so.
I don’t known anything about China’s process. It breaks my heart that M may have been deemed unadoptable. It sounds like Jen had no idea that would happen, and that must make this all so much more unbearable.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:31:49 +0000

Not much to add - I have no idea what I would have done in her situation or why it went so horribly out of control. But I am so utterly thankful for our amazing guide in China - Our Michael was “Der the Facilitator God” (as I am now calling him) who lead us through two adoptions. Our first was in Nanning as well. I went back to look at pictures from the room we met our first daughter in to see if the couches were teal. Score. But I sure didn’t notice them when we were there!

By: Lizard

Lizard — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 06:46:29 +0000

I agree that it is hard to imagine any first time parents being ready to adopt another child so fast on the heels of getting home with the first one….

however….

that hs nothign to do with the level of disability they found in M. I just read the whole damned story, and from my knowledge of children and child development (which is pretty good), that baby was not normal, and it is unlikely that she ever will be. There will be no loving her into health. I have a friend here at home who adopted a burned, abused 7 year old. The child has an IQ that places her very squarely in the severely retarded category. She has no capacity to do much of anything, and has a great deal of anger and frustration. That she was assured that this kid would come out OK is reprehensible, and that she is not going bankrupt trying to get this child care so that she will not injure or kill her other child is horrible.

Jen did the right thing in not bringing M home. I understand that if you get pregnant and have a kid with a PDD you are not able to change your mind, but she was in a place where she could, and it was by far the best thing to do for the child she was already parenting.

Was the timing terrible? Yes. Of course. But the timing did not cause M’s disabilities, and from Jen’s description, I have no doubt that M has a severe PDD.

It is a horrible story– especially for what it says about her agency. They did nothing right as far as I can tell.

So sad.

By: Theresa

Theresa — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 05:38:24 +0000

I think we were just too worried about dd to notice any mold and I am really allergic to mold. I just remember the first 3 nights ordering pasta and meat (?)sauce from room service at 10PM. We loved the People’s Park and spent alot of time there.

I also agree that it seemed like the two adoptions so close together contributed to Jen’s feelings re. her ability to care for M. Still there was a family in our group who were presented with the opportunity to adopt a newborn boy domestically while they waited for their dd from China. In their case the dad stayed home with the 5 month old boy and the mom brought her mother on the trip to China.

By: jane

jane — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 04:29:09 +0000

I went through the same research process you did and also chose CCAI, even though GW is headquartered in the city where I live. We also adopted in Guangxi, and Michael was simply one of the best things about the whole adoption process. AP’s could not ask for a better guide.

Although we probably won’t adopt again, ‘cuz we’re freaking OLD and probably don’t qualify under the new regs for other reason, I would sign on with CCAI again in a heartbeat.

Anyway, commercial for CCAI aside, I tend to agree with your analysis of Jen’s situation. I simply cannot imagine adopting another baby/toddler internationally so soon after doing it the first time. I truly feel for her and her family for the pain they endured, I do not believe her experience was the norm.

P.S. re: Nanning hotels. We stayed at the Wharton International. Not a great location in terms of proximity to shopping (everything required a taxi ride), but no mold to speak of and generally pretty nice digs.