24th April 2007

Through the looking glass

posted in Uncategorized |

Thinking over the experiences that Chew had in her adoption (and disruption) in China, I have to say it’s like looking at your reflection in a fun-house mirror.  You know the kind–where a skinny person sees the reflection as squat and fat, and a larger person can get in front of another mirror and see themselves stretched long and thin, and everything is distorted from reality.  Her experience was so totally different than ours.

When we decided to adopt, I researched a whole slew of agencies, and kept coming up with CCAI.  There were no complaints.  When I asked people to email me offlist with their experiences, everyone was–without a single exception–extremely happy with that agency.  At the time, CCAI was the only agency that had a website that broke down the costs to adopt specifically, with a description of each step and an explanation of the costs.  In addition, they were one of the least expensive.  So we went with CCAI.

We got our dossier together…we sent it in…we got our DTC date(nowadays, it’s the log-in date which is more important)…and we waited.

And waited.

Fourteen months later, we got our referral.  Our dotter-to-be was from Guilin, in the Guangxi province (okay, the Guangxi Autonomous Region), and we were going to meet her in Nanning.

I read Chew’s story, and her view of Nanning and the process there is so diametrically opposed to our experience.

Her guide was horrible.  We had the absolutely most fabulous facilitator in China anyone could ever ask for…Michael was sweet and kind and efficient and funny.  We got off the plane in Nanning, and were greeted by Michael and the bus driver.  In the bus on the way to Nanning, Michael immediately started teaching us some basic phrases and nursery songs in Mandarin.  He had handouts for us–a list of each of the people in our group, plus their email addresses, their child-to-be’s name and birthdate; a handout with the pinyin words to the phrases and songs he was teaching us.  One of the couples were adopting a toddler, a girl about 2.5 years old.  She knew what was happening, and she was not happy about it.  Michael spent extra time with this family, helping them out, talking to the girl in Mandarin, working with the whole family to make sure everything worked out.

Her introduction to the civil affairs office in Nanning was odd–they went in the back door in an odd fashion; we were driven to the front, everyone took lots of pictures, we went into the lobby (it was in a hotel), went up to the third floor, and into the very same room she describes, the one with the dais and the flags.  That’s where we were introduced to our babies.  There may have been signs about no videotaping, but I can assure you that no-one saw them, or if they did, none of us paid attention to them!

As Theresa said in the comments, the Mildew Hotel that Chew describes is probably the Majestic.  I have to say, this is the one thing in her tale that is pretty much the same; the Majestic is not very majestic.  I recognized it immediately from her description.  It’s older and somewhat shabby–but it’s considered a four-star hotel by China because it has an outdoor swimming pool and some old tennis courts!

The experiences diverge so much from that point on that it’s hard for me to take in.  It seems like she encountered “the perfect storm”–a bad guide in Nanning, a baby who was sick, a lack of communication from her agency, a client in shock and dealing with culture shock as well.  Carosgram made some excellent points in her comment:

I have been wondering if after having just spent 4 months in a 3rd world country and bringing home her first baby, was she rested (physically, emotionally, spiritually) enough to take on another child? Was she so excited about the possibility to add to her family without another long wait that she didn’t really evaluate if she would be able to meet the needs of two children who were being taken from their homes and cultures to live with people who didn’t even speak their language?…I’m thinking that because she was so excited she didn’t even know how exhausted she was from the first adoption and didn’t feel she could pass up the opportunity to add to her family. I’m thinking that when she got to China she suffered from culture shock and then had to deal with the conflicting needs of her 1st child and the one she went their to adopt. I’m thinking she did not really have enough time to analyze what adding another child to the newly formed family would do to her 1st daughter. I’m thinking that she felt overwhelmed with the idea of trying to meet the needs of the new child and came to realize that she didn’t have the inner resources to do a good job for both children. I wish that her husband had been able to be there for her to give her the support she so badly needed during her journey.

The long and short of it is that I pretty much agree with Carosgram from start to finish.  I would add that it seems to me there was a bad fit between her and the Chinese culture, so very different from the hispanic culture of Guatemala which she had been soaked in for four months previously.

It is obviously a very good idea to pin down what your agency would do in similar circumstances.  Like the Boy Scout motto:  Be Prepared.

But please–do not think this is the norm in adopting from China.

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There are currently 7 responses to “Through the looking glass”

  1. 1 On April 24th, 2007, jane said:

    I went through the same research process you did and also chose CCAI, even though GW is headquartered in the city where I live. We also adopted in Guangxi, and Michael was simply one of the best things about the whole adoption process. AP’s could not ask for a better guide.

    Although we probably won’t adopt again, ‘cuz we’re freaking OLD and probably don’t qualify under the new regs for other reason, I would sign on with CCAI again in a heartbeat.

    Anyway, commercial for CCAI aside, I tend to agree with your analysis of Jen’s situation. I simply cannot imagine adopting another baby/toddler internationally so soon after doing it the first time. I truly feel for her and her family for the pain they endured, I do not believe her experience was the norm.

    P.S. re: Nanning hotels. We stayed at the Wharton International. Not a great location in terms of proximity to shopping (everything required a taxi ride), but no mold to speak of and generally pretty nice digs.

  2. 2 On April 24th, 2007, Theresa said:

    I think we were just too worried about dd to notice any mold and I am really allergic to mold. I just remember the first 3 nights ordering pasta and meat (?)sauce from room service at 10PM. We loved the People’s Park and spent alot of time there.

    I also agree that it seemed like the two adoptions so close together contributed to Jen’s feelings re. her ability to care for M. Still there was a family in our group who were presented with the opportunity to adopt a newborn boy domestically while they waited for their dd from China. In their case the dad stayed home with the 5 month old boy and the mom brought her mother on the trip to China.

  3. 3 On April 24th, 2007, Lizard said:

    I agree that it is hard to imagine any first time parents being ready to adopt another child so fast on the heels of getting home with the first one….

    however….

    that hs nothign to do with the level of disability they found in M. I just read the whole damned story, and from my knowledge of children and child development (which is pretty good), that baby was not normal, and it is unlikely that she ever will be. There will be no loving her into health. I have a friend here at home who adopted a burned, abused 7 year old. The child has an IQ that places her very squarely in the severely retarded category. She has no capacity to do much of anything, and has a great deal of anger and frustration. That she was assured that this kid would come out OK is reprehensible, and that she is not going bankrupt trying to get this child care so that she will not injure or kill her other child is horrible.

    Jen did the right thing in not bringing M home. I understand that if you get pregnant and have a kid with a PDD you are not able to change your mind, but she was in a place where she could, and it was by far the best thing to do for the child she was already parenting.

    Was the timing terrible? Yes. Of course. But the timing did not cause M’s disabilities, and from Jen’s description, I have no doubt that M has a severe PDD.

    It is a horrible story– especially for what it says about her agency. They did nothing right as far as I can tell.

    So sad.

  4. 4 On April 25th, 2007, Elaine said:

    Not much to add - I have no idea what I would have done in her situation or why it went so horribly out of control. But I am so utterly thankful for our amazing guide in China - Our Michael was “Der the Facilitator God” (as I am now calling him) who lead us through two adoptions. Our first was in Nanning as well. I went back to look at pictures from the room we met our first daughter in to see if the couches were teal. Score. But I sure didn’t notice them when we were there!

  5. 5 On April 25th, 2007, Abebech said:

    I am so sorry this happened to her, and I imagine that it was heartbreaking. B
    ut having adopted a toddler, I agree that the timing compounded whatever was happening with M. Our agency will not allow two placements within twelve months of one another, and I’m so glad they have this rule. There seems to be a post-adoption high when a parent first comes home, where she feels like she could do this again and again. Overflowing with love, not yet fatigued, not always practical . . . But the fact is that two adoptions within twelve months is a known risk factor for disruption.
    I’m quite frustrated with the notion that we can diagnose this little girl from what we’ve read on a blog, any more than a doctor could diagnose pdd over the phone. I’m sure she’s doing the absolute best she can, but it’s all filtered information, and even at that it isn’t unequivocal. I can’t get the moment where M calms, and plays with a ball, out of my head. IA docs should tell you not to go through with it, when pushed — as consultants, IA docs must err on the side of caution. But should we as parents? That’s a far more personal decision. (For ET it isn’t a choice — there’s no “harmonious agreement.” We give POA to an agent to adopt for us in country and a new bc is issued, then we arrive and take custody, finish at the embassy a few days later. On the other hand, the care situation is far different as is the referral process, part of the reason we chose ET).
    I was most sorry for BTDT, who got skewered in the comments for asking readers to be careful that in a panic they don’t miss their own BEST THING EVER. What she posted must be very painful — to remember and also to write that once, she felt she needed to reject her daughter whom she now adores, and she was attacked for saying so.
    I don’t known anything about China’s process. It breaks my heart that M may have been deemed unadoptable. It sounds like Jen had no idea that would happen, and that must make this all so much more unbearable.

  6. 6 On April 25th, 2007, jason said:

    I actually really liked the Majestic…we were treated very well - sure it was a bit ‘alive’ but subtropical climes do tend to bring that out…Loved Nanning too…My big girl wanted nothing to do with me for a few days but that’s comparatively nothing. I can’t really imagine what Chew went through

  7. 7 On April 26th, 2007, omegamom said:

    Jane–You sound like us–too old (very soon, sigh) and an additional issue that disqualifies us. The Wharton sounds good–if and when we ever get back to China/Nanning, we’ll check it out!

    Theresa–I didn’t notice any mold, but a sort of musty smell permeated the hotel. And People’s Park was awesome! We went there quite often.

    Liz–I just don’t know. I know that you have a lot of medical experience…and I greatly respect that (and you!). But if you look up “institutional autism”, you’ll find some articles by child development psychologists that say that many children from institutions or situations where they were neglected show almost identical behaviors. And sometimes it *is* “fixable”–BTDT, one of the commenters, had a US doctor view a videotape and that doctor diagnosed autism, but now the child is a happy, normal 4-year-old.

    Elaine–Did you have Michael both times? The Michael who works for CCAI lives in the Nanning area. I don’t remember much of anything about those couches, just that we all sat there for hours while each couple went into the notary’s office and got asked the official questions and gave the official answers.

    Abebech–I agree. M running around with the nannies was also intersting. Like I said to Liz, I just don’t know. I don’t know what I’d do in that situation, I don’t know what having a bad facilitator and bad communication with my agency and bad everything would do to me.

    Jason–Oh, we had a good time at the Majestic, and we also loved Nanning. It’s a beautiful city, especially in the middle of winter when it’s not hot as heck!

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