23rd April 2007

Thinking

posted in Uncategorized |

One of these days I really have to do that “status” post.

In the meantime, I’m stuck thinking.  Because of this.  Start at the bottom and read your way up.

What I’m thinking is that I don’t know what to think.

What I’m thinking is that we had a wonderful agency to shepherd us along in China, and some fabulous facilitators working for that company in China.

What I’m thinking is that our dotter, while quiet and withdrawn, was obviously healthy.  And she started opening up very quickly while we were in China (though we now know she didn’t fully open up until we were home for–oh, six months…).

What I’m thinking is that I have no idea how we would have reacted if things had gone wrong at any step along the way.

What I’m thinking is that people who adopt should really bone up on the possible difficulties that can crop up in their path to adoption.

What I’m thinking is that people who adopt from institutions need to be really aware that the children can look totally and completely withdrawn from the world when you meet them.  And it can mean something serious, or it can mean just shell shock from the transfer and lack of stimulation at the orphanage.

What I’m thinking is that there’s a helluva lot more discussion of bad situations nowadays than there was when we were adopting from China.  People do talk about attachment issues, and delays, and disruptions, and problems with their agencies.  It’s not as closed and fearful a world as it used to be.  Not every list and not every post is all ladybugs and rainbows; and not every person who discusses the difficult areas of adoption is shouted down–which used to happen with regularity on the lists I was on.

Of course, I have “self-selected” the lists and blogs I read, so maybe things are the same as they always were…but before I left the Big List, these discussions were aired much more often than previously.

Anyway, there you have it.  I’m thinking.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 23rd, 2007 at 8:14 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

There are currently 6 responses to “Thinking”

  1. 1 On April 23rd, 2007, Theresa said:

    Oh I am glad you wrote about this OM. I’ve been reading that blog the past few days. I feel bad about all she went through. The guide in Nanning seemed awful and really did not seem to care about the children or the families. We had such a different experience but if I had been there by myself and dd had screamed for her foster mama like she did for the first 2 days, along with occasionally clawing me (that went on for months) I would have been totally freaked out-even with our awesome guides.

    My problem with the way the blog is written is in regard to the description of the government bureau buiding in Nanning where all the adoptions for all of Guangxi-Zhuang Autonomous Region takes place since nanning is the provincial capital. We were there at the height of SARS-just prior to the temporary shut down and the building and the room the author describes with the stage and the flags seemed to be as official a setting as I would imagine in a city in southern China. In fact, having heard of so many other Gotcha Days where the babies are brought the hotel room, the fact that we met the babies in that official setting surprised me.
    I just did not find anything sinister about that setting-as is implied on the blog.

    If the hotel portrayed as the Mildew Hotel is meant to be the Majestic we must have again lucked out by getting a nice room sans mildew. The fact that they had the small water cooler with instant hot water available to mix formula and the retractible clothes line over the tub for hanging up the items I hand washed for dd actually made me prefer it over the features in the room at the White Swan-although the marble bathroom at the WS was prettier.

    I have been waiting to see what other parents who adopted from Guangxi thought about this.
    I really do feel terrible for all she went through. I just know if we were still waiting and then got a referral from Guangxi I would be terrified after reading this. Whereas the problem mostly seemed to be the lack of communication between the agency, the guide, the client and esp. the deliberate withholding of the info re. the embassy. That was just plain wrong.

    Sorry this is so long. I have been wondering what your thoughts were since you are the mother of a fellow Guangxi girl.

  2. 2 On April 24th, 2007, Spacemom said:

    I have been wanting to hear other parent’s views on this.

    I want her to air her complaints. I am angry that she has gotten C&D orders.

    I am assuming this is not the norm… but I would like to hear what other’s views are…

  3. 3 On April 24th, 2007, kris said:

    What an excellent post. I am reading through some of your older posts,
    you are a great writer.

  4. 4 On April 24th, 2007, carosgram said:

    I also have been following that blog and her tale of a disasterous trip and failed adoption. I have been wondering if after having just spent 4 months in a 3rd world country and bringing home her first baby, was she rested (physically, emotionally, spiritually) enough to take on another child? Was she so excited about the possibility to add to her family without another long wait that she didn’t really evaluate if she would be able to meet the needs of two children who were being taken from their homes and cultures to live with people who didn’t even speak their language? I know that the Chinese gov’t makes you wait a year from your log in date to submit your paperwork for another adoption from them. Isn’t this so you will have the time and resources to meet your new child’s many needs? I’m thinking that because she was so excited she didn’t even know how exhausted she was from the first adoption and didn’t feel she could pass up the opportunity to add to her family. I’m thinking that when she got to China she suffered from culture shock and then had to deal with the conflicting needs of her 1st child and the one she went their to adopt. I’m thinking she did not really have enough time to analyze what adding another child to the newly formed family would do to her 1st daughter. I’m thinking that she felt overwhelmed with the idea of trying to meet the needs of the new child and came to realize that she didn’t have the inner resources to do a good job for both children. I wish that her husband had been able to be there for her to give her the support she so badly needed during her journey. That it is likely that the problems she encountered were magnified by not having fully regained her strenght and equalibrium from her trip to Guatemala. I feel sorry that she is so upset and traumatized by her trip to China. I am even more upset that a child who obviously needed a caring home and parents is back in an oprhanage. Maybe everyone should realize there are good reasons why you shouln’t do two adoptions at the same time, especially international adoptions where the likelyhood of the child having some special needs is nearly 100%. There are very few people who are equiped to meet that degree of neediness successfully. In my experience, people who feel guilty often look to blame others for all their woes. Hopefully this mother will be able to forgive herself for not being a superwoman and that the child will find a forever family soon.

  5. 5 On April 26th, 2007, Jac said:

    Can you educate me a bit OM? Aren’t the characteristics that “M” was displaying pretty typical for a child in an orphanage in China? Especially compared to Guatemala where many babies are adopted before age one and are in foster care?

  6. 6 On April 26th, 2007, omegamom said:

    Jac–Actually, no, they aren’t. Well, they are. No, they aren’t. Hmmm. Sort of.

    LOL! Do you see? Many of the children adopted from China who have been in the orphanages all their lives do have varying degrees of this type of behavior, ranging from “hardly any” to “institutional autism” to “biological autism”.

    OmegaDotter was quiet and observant when we met her. She opened up a bit more each day. She had low muscle tone, but could sit up by herself, but couldn’t crawl. We “taught” her to crawl while we were in China; by the time we were home a month, she began walking.

    But looking back, I can see she was really still pretty shut down for many months after we got home.

    It wasn’t autistic shut down, though–just quiet, observant, kind of sad, kind of scared.

    Some of the kids from the orphanages do show self-soothing behaviors and lack of development and muscle tone. Some show one or the other, or some combination of two, and some show all three. Some show these behaviors a little bit, some show them quite a great deal.

    And kids who were in foster homes usually are much better off.

    So, in the end, you could end up with a child exhibiting anything from *no* delays or ill behaviors related to being institutionalized to a child exhibiting behaviors which would automatically have that child listed as autistic in the USA. Sometimes that child will actually be autistic. Many times, that child is not. It takes a leap of faith…which I don’t know whether I’d be able to do.

    Does that help?

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