“it’s not about “getting pregnant”–it’s about “being a parent”. “Being pregnant” lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy). “Being a parent”…well, it lasts a lifetime.”

I think many biomoms need to think about that when they think it should be easy for an adoptee or an adopted parent to jump right into the idea of a relationship after a reunion. The biomom knew them for 9 months in the womb and the adopted parent has known them for their lifetime….

My point in all of that, is that if I am having a frustrating day and I rant on about why do I have to get an FBI check when all sorts of people are allowed to have, beat and keep their kids, it’s not because I DON’T care about kids it’s because I DO care. And it is also because I am frustrated that the love I have to give a child, currently has no where to go. And some days it feels like the road to get there is too long and too hard. That only makes me human (or annoying at worst) if I bitch about it, right?

I think we have to remember that until someone has that child to put first, they are bound to worry about themselves more. I mean, how can I put a child first when the child at this point in time, is still only a dream, and idea, to me. And as for international laws and birthmothother rights, forgive me if I don’t start advocating for those until I recover from what I’ve been through. You know like on the airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first then start helping other around you! In seven years I’m sure I’ll seem less selfish too, but right now self preservation requires a little selfishness on my part. I have however made every effort to find a reputable agency who’s number one priority is to counsel the birthfamilies and help them parent if they in any way can and/or want to. I don’t want to raise a child whose birhtparent can and wants to. I only want to parent a child who’s birthmother/parents chooses us freely.

But I don’t see anything hardass in your post. And most importantly, it’s your blog so you can be if you want to.

Given recent reaction, I’m extremely reluctant to write any more about adoption on my blog, at least not for a loooong, long time, so I’m going to put this out here, since you were gracious enough to provide an opening. You wrote:

“…a light bulb went off over my head (just like in all the comic strips!): it’s not about ‘getting pregnant’–it’s about ‘being a parent’. ‘Being pregnant’ lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy). ‘Being a parent’…well, it lasts a lifetime.”

The problem is that parenthood doesn’t necessarily cure infertility. The opposite of infertility, for some of us, ISN’T becoming a parent. Many are lucky enough to have the pain eclipsed or even eradicated by becoming a parent at last. Others of us still hurt, even with a child or two, even knowing full well how fortunate we are. There’s just more to it than that, you know?

And that’s sad, but it’s true for me. Adoption isn’t the answer. Having another child by ANY means isn’t the answer. In fact, I doubt there IS an answer, beyond maybe time and distance. If your problem, as you see it, is wanting a child, the light bulb you speak of can indeed be wonderfully illuminating. But until the problem gets stripped down to that barest essence, until the problem’s not complicated by so many other feelings, the solution doesn’t seem at all obvious.

Thanks very much for your posts about all this. Humane, helpful, and, yes, a little bit hardass — a really thought-provoking mix.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,242537,00.html

Although I think Angelina has done some wacky things in her past I totally get what she is saying here about the children she adopted.
As hard as it may be for some of those who can’t imagine adopting a child to believe-I had a really hard time when I was briefly pregnant twice after we brought dd home-thinking there is just no way I could love a child I gave birth to as much as I love dd. I know that I would have but there was something so amazing about meeting this tiny girl-just 12.5 months old-so aware-so fiesty and funny and fragile (4 years ago today!). I totally understand what you mean OM re. the idea of loving anyone more actually scaring you. I love this child more than those 3 I lost put together and I swear if anything ever happened to her that would be it for me. Before we saw her picture she was far more real to me than the thought of a child I might give birth to.

I hosted a boy from Russia and spent nearly a year trying to adopt him. The red tape, the lying agency director, and the corrupt orphanage director were major frustrations and sources of grief. But it was easy for me to remember that it was all about him. He was my son and his well-being was (and remains) my biggest concern. My grief was as extension of my worry for him.

But now that I’ve been trying to adopt domestically I find myself thinking a bit more selfishly about things. I know the process is about the kids. But, in the absense of a living, breathing child and in the face of my own hurt — it’s sometimes hard to remember.

I’m blessed to be with an honest, hard-working agency now and my case workers are now my friends. Having come from a not so good agency, I know how important that is. You’re very right when you say that one bad experience doesn’t have any bearing on the whole process. Even though elements of it (and some people involved in it) need reform, adoption is still a wonderful thing.