14th April 2007

Why am I doing this?!

posted in Uncategorized |

Having garnered a few new readers, I am about to promptly disillusion them and chase them away by being an unsympathetic hardass.

I wrote my first post on this issue because I remember–vividly–the angst and ambivalence with which I first approached the adoption process.

I understand it.  I think it’s human.  I think it comes from a lot of hurt and confusion.

But here the OmegaFamily is, seven years down the line from when we first dipped our toes into adoption waters, and I am here to tell you:

The angst…the ambivalence…the hurt…the confusion?

All gone.

Long since.

Because, as Figlet says, my very first choice–the one driving the quest all along–was to be a parent.

Very early on, between our first visit to our local agency and our decision to adopt from China, a light bulb went off over my head (just like in all the comic strips!):  it’s not about “getting pregnant”–it’s about “being a parent”.  “Being pregnant” lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy).  “Being a parent”…well, it lasts a lifetime.

Once you realize that, the drive to find the latest and greatest infertility treatment goes *poof*.  The ambivalence about adoption goes *poof*.

So, while I understand all the heartache that comes before deciding on adoption, I’m afraid my attitude is “Get over it.  Move on.  Take time off if you need to to work your way through it, but don’t wallow.”

At this point in time, I am much more concerned about unethical treatment of potential birthmothers, corruption in international adoption, potential adoptive parents who lie through their teeth about wanting an open adoption just so they can get their hands on a baby, adoption agencies that scam teenagers into relinquishing their children–stuff like that.

I don’t know of a way to say this gently, so here goes:  It doesn’t matter if some freakazoid woman tries to scam you when you’re trying to adopt.  Oh, it hurts like heck, yes, I’ll grant that.  But it has no bearing on the adoption process itself.  It’s sort of like saying, “Don’t buy insurance, because insurance companies are all scammers–I know because I had car insurance from the Joe Blow Insurance Agency, and when my car was totaled, they never paid up.”  That’s a commentary on the particular insurance company–and the freakazoid woman–not on the insurance industry itself–or the adoption process itself.

Similarly, if a potential birthmother decides to parent, that’s her choice and her right, and has no bearing on the adoption process itself.

And if a birthmother revokes her consent within the time frame allowed, once again, it’s her choice and her right, and has no bearing on the adoption process itself.

And if you’re in an international program, and that program closes before your adoption goes through–it’s that country’s choice (or our country’s choice), and has no bearing on the adoption process itself.

Any of these occurrences will hurt, yes.  But none of these people or programs are there for your benefit alone.

The home study and all the associated paperwork and police screening and child abuse screening and the classes on adoption and the reading assignments aren’t there to award potential adoptive parents the prize of an adopted child.  It’s no-one’s right to adopt.  Hard for people to accept, but there it is:  The process isn’t there for you.  It’s there for the children.

And that’s as it should be.

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There are currently 11 responses to “Why am I doing this?!”

  1. 1 On April 14th, 2007, Johnny said:

    I’m with you on many of your points. However, I try to keep in mind that I say that from the perspective of a parent who “has” and is not waiting for the first time. Also, never having had failed IVF’s, I wouldn’t understand the heartache/madness of that situation.

  2. 2 On April 14th, 2007, Johnny said:

    Also, haven’t commented a while, so just to let you know I’m still reading your nutty diatribes. Shine on you crazy diamond.

  3. 3 On April 14th, 2007, carosgram said:

    I have been reading several blogs dealing with this issue - A little pregnand, Figlet, Mrs. Figby, Spacemom, Clueless in Carolina, Chicagomama and you. To me it seems like you are all saying basically the same thing. There are many ways people obtain children. Some by accident, some through careful planning. some through arduous and draining procedures including IVF and adoption. However, in all cases, the children who result deserve unconditional love and the security of a good home. It is all about the children, not the parents in the end. If you are not ready to put your child before yourself, you probably need to re-evaluate how much you want to parent. Every one who has a child learns that children are selfish - they need to be to survive. We were selfish as children also. That is why one of the sign of maturity is the ability to put someone else’s needs first. Children are takers - they will take as much time, attention, and love as they can get. They are not so good at giving- especially in their younger years. Your child is not going to thank you for holding them lovingly as they vomit on you, nor are they going to worry about the sleep you are losing while they cry their hearts out from colic, or bad dreams, or loneliness. You have to be willing to sacrifice your time, money, and at times your sanity to be a parent. You have to get your satisfaction from these very sacrifices, the every day tasks of parenting, and from the smiles you occassionally get- the pride from seeing a little one learn to walk, talk, play soccer, graduate from school. When your child is an adult they will begin to realize and may be somewhat grateful for all you did for them. When they have children of their own you will share a bond of having done the same sacrifices for a child. And the best part is that grandchildren are the reward. It makes the teen years well worth the angst. Thanks for a good post, Omega Mom!

  4. 4 On April 14th, 2007, Margaret said:

    Good post.

    I hosted a boy from Russia and spent nearly a year trying to adopt him. The red tape, the lying agency director, and the corrupt orphanage director were major frustrations and sources of grief. But it was easy for me to remember that it was all about him. He was my son and his well-being was (and remains) my biggest concern. My grief was as extension of my worry for him.

    But now that I’ve been trying to adopt domestically I find myself thinking a bit more selfishly about things. I know the process is about the kids. But, in the absense of a living, breathing child and in the face of my own hurt — it’s sometimes hard to remember.

    I’m blessed to be with an honest, hard-working agency now and my case workers are now my friends. Having come from a not so good agency, I know how important that is. You’re very right when you say that one bad experience doesn’t have any bearing on the whole process. Even though elements of it (and some people involved in it) need reform, adoption is still a wonderful thing.

  5. 5 On April 14th, 2007, Margaret said:

    By the way… congratulations to you, too! :-)

  6. 6 On April 14th, 2007, Theresa said:

    This is more related to your previous post but I just stumbled upon this tonight and I thought this was really interesting:

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,242537,00.html

    Although I think Angelina has done some wacky things in her past I totally get what she is saying here about the children she adopted.
    As hard as it may be for some of those who can’t imagine adopting a child to believe-I had a really hard time when I was briefly pregnant twice after we brought dd home-thinking there is just no way I could love a child I gave birth to as much as I love dd. I know that I would have but there was something so amazing about meeting this tiny girl-just 12.5 months old-so aware-so fiesty and funny and fragile (4 years ago today!). I totally understand what you mean OM re. the idea of loving anyone more actually scaring you. I love this child more than those 3 I lost put together and I swear if anything ever happened to her that would be it for me. Before we saw her picture she was far more real to me than the thought of a child I might give birth to.

  7. 7 On April 14th, 2007, lorrie said:

    Well put!!!!

  8. 8 On April 15th, 2007, Julie said:

    Well, really, what’s hardass about that? I agree. In fact, my inclination to approach the idea of adoption gingerly, if at all, stems from that awareness: other people’s feelings and welfare are at stake, not just mine, and that — not paperwork, not the hundred different heartbreaks that can occur before a placement is finalized, not the caprices of a foreign bureaucracy — scares the very bejesus out of me. The responsibility is an awesome one. I hope thinking long and hard about whether I’m equal to it doesn’t constitute wallowing.

    Given recent reaction, I’m extremely reluctant to write any more about adoption on my blog, at least not for a loooong, long time, so I’m going to put this out here, since you were gracious enough to provide an opening. You wrote:

    “…a light bulb went off over my head (just like in all the comic strips!): it’s not about ‘getting pregnant’–it’s about ‘being a parent’. ‘Being pregnant’ lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy). ‘Being a parent’…well, it lasts a lifetime.”

    The problem is that parenthood doesn’t necessarily cure infertility. The opposite of infertility, for some of us, ISN’T becoming a parent. Many are lucky enough to have the pain eclipsed or even eradicated by becoming a parent at last. Others of us still hurt, even with a child or two, even knowing full well how fortunate we are. There’s just more to it than that, you know?

    And that’s sad, but it’s true for me. Adoption isn’t the answer. Having another child by ANY means isn’t the answer. In fact, I doubt there IS an answer, beyond maybe time and distance. If your problem, as you see it, is wanting a child, the light bulb you speak of can indeed be wonderfully illuminating. But until the problem gets stripped down to that barest essence, until the problem’s not complicated by so many other feelings, the solution doesn’t seem at all obvious.

    Thanks very much for your posts about all this. Humane, helpful, and, yes, a little bit hardass — a really thought-provoking mix.

  9. 9 On April 16th, 2007, Rhonda said:

    Yeah, as someone who has been through failed IVF and gone on to adopt, I agree 100% with this post. I remember seeing a quote from Brooke Shields that said, “There is a big difference between wanting to have a baby and wanting to be a parent.” or something close to that. So true!

  10. 10 On April 16th, 2007, beagle said:

    I think it *would be nice* if people could also remember that a blog post is a moment in time and very often a freaked out moment in time. *Most* people don’t post as much when life is moving right along, because um, they’re too busy being happy about that. (At least this is true for me.) Not that I don’t blog about anything happy, but I am not as inclined to write a long rant on my wonderful days, I’m just to busy living then.

    My point in all of that, is that if I am having a frustrating day and I rant on about why do I have to get an FBI check when all sorts of people are allowed to have, beat and keep their kids, it’s not because I DON’T care about kids it’s because I DO care. And it is also because I am frustrated that the love I have to give a child, currently has no where to go. And some days it feels like the road to get there is too long and too hard. That only makes me human (or annoying at worst) if I bitch about it, right?

    I think we have to remember that until someone has that child to put first, they are bound to worry about themselves more. I mean, how can I put a child first when the child at this point in time, is still only a dream, and idea, to me. And as for international laws and birthmothother rights, forgive me if I don’t start advocating for those until I recover from what I’ve been through. You know like on the airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first then start helping other around you! In seven years I’m sure I’ll seem less selfish too, but right now self preservation requires a little selfishness on my part. I have however made every effort to find a reputable agency who’s number one priority is to counsel the birthfamilies and help them parent if they in any way can and/or want to. I don’t want to raise a child whose birhtparent can and wants to. I only want to parent a child who’s birthmother/parents chooses us freely.

    But I don’t see anything hardass in your post. And most importantly, it’s your blog so you can be if you want to. :-)

  11. 11 On April 16th, 2007, petunia said:

    I love this quote from you…

    “it’s not about “getting pregnant”–it’s about “being a parent”. “Being pregnant” lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy). “Being a parent”…well, it lasts a lifetime.”

    I think many biomoms need to think about that when they think it should be easy for an adoptee or an adopted parent to jump right into the idea of a relationship after a reunion. The biomom knew them for 9 months in the womb and the adopted parent has known them for their lifetime….

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