OmegaMom

Having garnered a few new readers, I am about to promptly disillusion them and chase them away by being an unsympathetic hardass.

I wrote my first post on this issue because I remember–vividly–the angst and ambivalence with which I first approached the adoption process.

I understand it.  I think it’s human.  I think it comes from a lot of hurt and confusion.

But here the OmegaFamily is, seven years down the line from when we first dipped our toes into adoption waters, and I am here to tell you:

The angst…the ambivalence…the hurt…the confusion?

All gone.

Long since.

Because, as Figlet says, my very first choice–the one driving the quest all along–was to be a parent.

Very early on, between our first visit to our local agency and our decision to adopt from China, a light bulb went off over my head (just like in all the comic strips!):  it’s not about “getting pregnant”–it’s about “being a parent”.  “Being pregnant” lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy).  “Being a parent”…well, it lasts a lifetime.

Once you realize that, the drive to find the latest and greatest infertility treatment goes *poof*.  The ambivalence about adoption goes *poof*.

So, while I understand all the heartache that comes before deciding on adoption, I’m afraid my attitude is “Get over it.  Move on.  Take time off if you need to to work your way through it, but don’t wallow.”

At this point in time, I am much more concerned about unethical treatment of potential birthmothers, corruption in international adoption, potential adoptive parents who lie through their teeth about wanting an open adoption just so they can get their hands on a baby, adoption agencies that scam teenagers into relinquishing their children–stuff like that.

I don’t know of a way to say this gently, so here goes:  It doesn’t matter if some freakazoid woman tries to scam you when you’re trying to adopt.  Oh, it hurts like heck, yes, I’ll grant that.  But it has no bearing on the adoption process itself.  It’s sort of like saying, “Don’t buy insurance, because insurance companies are all scammers–I know because I had car insurance from the Joe Blow Insurance Agency, and when my car was totaled, they never paid up.”  That’s a commentary on the particular insurance company–and the freakazoid woman–not on the insurance industry itself–or the adoption process itself.

Similarly, if a potential birthmother decides to parent, that’s her choice and her right, and has no bearing on the adoption process itself.

And if a birthmother revokes her consent within the time frame allowed, once again, it’s her choice and her right, and has no bearing on the adoption process itself.

And if you’re in an international program, and that program closes before your adoption goes through–it’s that country’s choice (or our country’s choice), and has no bearing on the adoption process itself.

Any of these occurrences will hurt, yes.  But none of these people or programs are there for your benefit alone.

The home study and all the associated paperwork and police screening and child abuse screening and the classes on adoption and the reading assignments aren’t there to award potential adoptive parents the prize of an adopted child.  It’s no-one’s right to adopt.  Hard for people to accept, but there it is:  The process isn’t there for you.  It’s there for the children.

And that’s as it should be.

Technorati: Adoption (again!), adoption issues (again!), infertility (again!)